What Is not What If

"You know how people say that bereavement is like a journey, well Emily and I were talking about that last night. She said that it is not like a quick trip to the shops and that my journey has just begun.
I likened it to a world trip calling into every Shitsville on the map! Maybe i haven't even left Tassie yet!

I want to go back to September 2013 - a blissful time of ignorance and happiness; all the kids were happy, we were happy; anxiously looking forward to going to Karratha and enjoying ourselves in our new venture.  Maybe we are still in Paris, walking around with our heads spinning at all the different sights. Or just enjoying a peppermint diablo and a beer in a little cafe somewhere.
If only ............"

I wrote this post on my Facebook group page this morning. I mentioned the other day that whole journey thing and how I don't like it. But whatever I call it, it will not change where I am right now, right this minute and that's still here.

And that is without Chris. I cannot go back, I wish I could.  I wish I could change some of the things that happened right about the time Chris was diagnosed with cancer; I wish a lot of things.  Wish my Mum and my sister were still here to tell me what to do; I wish that I had done somethings differently.  None of these empty wishes will help me though.  It only serves to beat me up a bit that I could have done things better.

I don't know how but I need to focus on WHAT IS not what if. I first heard that from Glenn McGrath at the time he had just lost his wife, Jane, to cancer.  He said, "It's no use thinking about what if, you can only deal with what is!"

So what is.  Well I have a lovely family, I have a warm, dry house, I have money in the bank, a good job with very understanding bosses and colleagues, pretty good health - apart from the rotten shoulder! -  and I have hope.  It all sounds really cliched doesn't it but I am hopeful.

I am hopeful for the future. I have no idea how it will look, where I will be or what will be making my days but I do believe with all my heart that there will be joy, happiness, love, cuddles from grandchildren and my deep, deep desire to uphold the memory of a wonderful man  who came into my life, turning it around. He gave me joy, made me laugh, he cherished me, made me scream, made me cry, made me grateful  and made my heart fuller than it has ever been.  And I did the same for him. The more you are given love, the more love you have to spread around to the other people. Chris and I had plenty to share. 

I just hope that God is going to guide me and help me to see this become my  new reality.

When I was a young girl my mother, who was a lovely singer, used to sing this song called "My Cup Runneth Over", by Perry Como.

Sometime in the evening when shadows are deep,

I lie here beside you just watching you sleep 

And sometimes I whisper what I'm dreaming of, 

My cup runneth over with love. 

Well I certainly had my cup overflowing and I am thankful for that but every now and then, I can't help but wonder, dream and wish, "if only...."