Six years. Six years since my darling drew his last breath and left me alone to gather up the threads of life and go on without him. Those days from December 2013 to January 2014 are instilled in my mind like a red hot poker to my side. I cannot rid my mind of the visceral images, smells, thoughts and memories that live in my head like a throbbing sore tooth. Always there, always reminding me of its presence.
Rarely have I asked myself why Chris; there is no comfort in that - rain falls on us all. I have though at times uttered the words, "Why then? Why now? Why not a little longer?" The hopes and dreams all quashed never to be realised. Going alone with out his help and guidance.
The space that is left all around me by Chris' absence is profoundly tangible. I can feel the emptiness; I can feel his moustache on my lip sometimes and I can feel his love still but I cannot reach out and feel him.
Even though I am so blessed to have family and friends who include and care for me, I am still alone and this is often really confronting to deal with and accept. I am not very often lonely as I enjoy solitude and if I dont, I can always get busy in some activity. The reality of going through life alone, without your best friend, lover and confidante, is extremely hard. Going to family gatherings solo, trying to find someone to accompany you on outings; being in a room of couples and the seat beside you is empty....
I often say that Chris made everything better - he made the hard times better and he made the good times more enjoyable. Not having him to share life with is at times just so sad. This is not a cry for pity but it is the way I feel and it is the way my life is now.
So much has happened in six years - as it does in everyone's life. I am not in that boat alone. I have welcomed dear little boys into my arms and heart and had the joy of spending beautiful hours with them. The joy they bring has been immeasurable. With another on the way, my cup runneth over. I have also welcomed new family members - I have been a guest of honour at three weddings - all my children have married in the last six years! More joy to my world.
I retired from full time work and now just work when and if I want to. what a beautiful luxury at 56 to be able to retire.
I have travelled many times; seen iconic world attractions, been to museums and historic buildings that I once only dreamed of ever being able to see. The list is too long to go through here - and that blows my mind. For a little girl from Wynyard,Tasmania, at the bottom of the earth to see such things!! Who would have ever thought??
Our family has endured more losses, grieved more for those who passed away; we have collectively had personal losses, personal joys, personal health issues and yet we are still here -maybe not in the same formation as previously but getting on with the business of living. As best we can.
I know I am still luckier than the largest percentage of the population with all I have - a dear loving family, a home, dear friends who love and care, an income, an ability to please myself with choices about how and what I will do to fill my days. So much to be grateful for, thankful for and to cherish. As I have said before on this blog - my darling Aunt Thelma gave me the best advice - "Build yourself a happy life, Kathy" - and you know what, I think I have.
I think the horrific bush fires have caused much introspection for many folk and I am not quarantined from this either. Chris and his family lost everything in the 1967 bush fires in Southern Tasmania and he retold me stories that were frightening to listen to, let alone live through first hand. I think of him every time I hear a news report regarding the onslaught of the fires and their outrageous destruction. This gets me pondering about the individuals in the stories - the thousands effected and the lasting traumas that will play out for years to come. The effect is staggering. I pray to God it is over soon and they can start recovering their lives.
On a side note - There has been much politicising of the ravaging fires and lots of finger pointing; lots of laying of blame and point scoring. What is the good of that? Social media can be fun, useful for information and good to catch up with distant friends and family. However the epidemic of bullying, faceless trolling and nasty, hurtful comments about people that you will never meet, well that just does my head in. Just keep scrolling, you dont have to stop and empty your anger, resentment and jealousy onto those you disagree with. Just stop it. Lets just work together to help, build each other up and encourage one another to live our best lives.
So 2020 has begun. There are days to look forward to; days to relish with all the enthusiasm that one can muster and days that undoubtedly will be tough, hard to cope with. Births and birthdays to wallow in, cake to eat, candles to blow out; Anniversaries to celebrate, others to mourn. But always the gift of love, in its many forms, to be thankful for.
