Do you remember that line out of pretty woman. The one where Julia Roberts is made to feel bad because the ladies in the shop wont serve her. Then her friend says that she is a great gal and deserves good stuff. Julia replies with a line something like "have you ever noticed that the bad stuff people say to you is easier to believe than the good things."
It is a generalization I know, but the bad things that we tell ourselves and that others reinforce in us from time to time with their snide little remarks, stay in our head longer than the compliments that we are given.
We remember the negative with such greater clarity and the pain of those negative, hurtful remarks takes a lot longer to get over if they hit a nerve that we have already been picking at ourselves.
A lot of people say "I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me". I have never truly met a person like that. Most of the people I know, do give a shit. Isn't it innate in us to want to be liked and approved of ? All that supposition that no man is an island and we all need to be loved and give love back must be proven somehow in the relationships we seek and those that we already have that we build on.
Funny things us humans, aren't we? I am not saying that I have any insight into the answers of why or how, but I guess having lost the love of my life, (which is an oft stated remark) has made me wonder if this is the end of that special love we shared. How does that love go on without the oxygen of attention and care from one half of the equation. How do I feel that love when Chris isn't here?
People say that he is in my heart. Is that the memories and thoughts that I have about him? Is that how I know that Chris' love for me lives on even though he had died? We didn't have children together, so it can't live on in them. Chris wrote me a letter that said he loved me with all his heart and that would never change but it has, hasn't it. That love just isn't the same anymore because Chris is not here. So do I hold onto the love that we shared when he was alive?
I just cant get my head around it all. It is a concept that I have really been struggling with - I guess you can tell. Maybe as I make my way through months and a couple of years. I will be able to understand more how the feeling of love manifests long after the person has gone.
I know that Chris loved me, he loved me so very much and he displayed that love to all, especially to me. He loved me probably a lot more than I deserved (see there's that negative thought pattern again, so much easier than saying I am absolutely adorable and deserve to be loved by such a wonderful man as Chris) and I know that he knew how much I loved him while he was alive. But there is the difference, I still love him now cos I am still alive. I know I still love him, I think about him every minute and everything I see, do, think of, remember - it all reminds me of Chris.
And I miss him terribly, so much that it actually does hurt sometimes.
So do I just hold onto the memory of how much he loved me or do I believe that no matter where he is, he is still loving me? See, I just cannot get my mind to circle around the concept of love after death and come to any sort of understanding.
Is it the negative thoughts or is it the grief that just will not allow me to grasp it all, it is too overwhelming. Or is it a lack of faith? Too many questions, too many open ended sentences that make no sense, too many instances that I wish Chris was here to ask him the answers. Maybe if I concentrate really hard, he will tell me the answers again.
None of this makes sense, I know but sometimes it helps to get the ramblings out of my head and onto the page.
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