Falling In Love

You know that this blog is an extension of one I started late last year when Chris and I were going to move to WA. At that time I wrote mainly about the move, the excitement of it; the planning and the expectations.

Back then I had a list of future posts that I kept in a blue book.  The blue book holds lots of secrets, budgets, reminders, places I want to visit and lists. The blog ideas list had numerous titles to do with marriage, falling in love, what makes a good life etc. For a lot of those blog ideas, the premise has changed now that I no longer have the love of my life right here with me.  He is still the greatest choice that I ever made but the sorrow overtakes the joys at the moment.

One of the blog ideas I had centred around a song line.  U2 have a song that has the line, " Can't fall any further in love with you than what we are now. This is not an ordinary love....."  along those words.

That was how I felt back in November about Chris.  He was away from me but only in another state. Now I still feel that way but he is away from me forever.  And before you say, yes but he is always in your heart,  I don't want that.  I want him right here beside me to talk to; to hold and to love; to make jokes with and to lie beside and stroke his face, kiss his lips and have him tell me its all going to be OK.

I wonder what it is that specifically makes us fall in love with one person so deeply and so completely?  That yearning, that longing just to see them, hear their voice and catch their smile?

When I met Chris, he was a very quiet person, well mannered and gentlemanly.  He wasn't loud or pushy. He just sat and waited. Chris was a man who was strong minded, truly loved people and was always thinking of what he could do to enhance the life of another. If there was a need, Chris would be trying to think of a solution or how he could help.  Chris was funny, helpful, hard working and compassionate.
He was slow to anger, generous and obstinate. He had kind lovely eyes and loved to laugh.

Which of these qualities did I fall in love with? Maybe it was the whole gorgeous little package.

And he loved children and they loved him too

I have seen my children and friends fall in love.  Of course the instances have been as different as the people involved.  I wonder what clinched the deal for them.

However it happens, falling in love and having that love generously given back is the greatest pleasure, the supreme gift from one to another. Chris told me that his love for me would never change so my dilemma now is, has it?  Does that love go on past the grave or do I just hold onto the memory of how great our love was.  My love for him goes on.  Every time I think of Chris my heart still feels that same love, the same yearning and longing.  I still could not love him anymore than what I do right now.  I still feel totally wedded to him but I no longer have my husband.

I guess this is all part of this awful existence that people now call my  "journey" *, coming to terms with how it all fits together now. Life and love will never be the same, but I do believe it will be good.  Just a  different type of good.  I just have to figure out what that looks like.

This probably all sounds a bit maudlin today but I am just thinking out loud. After all that what my blog is mostly about, isn't it?  Thinking out loud.

Have a good weekend everyone.  Feel free to leave a comment, I love to hear your thoughts out loud too :)


*Side bar - God I hate that term.  A journey to me has positive connotations - you know getting excited, packing, going on a plane, buying icecreams at half way mark - that kind of journey. This isn't a journey for me, it just is life now.  Trying to make the best of it and trying to get on with what I need to do to still be something like the old Kathy, is what it is now.