Another month, another week, another day, another hour, all without Chris.
How it works; how I keep going? I do not know. People said to me when Chris died, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Well you know, I am not one for cliches - I hate those droll lines that we drag out when we can't possibly think of what else to say - sometimes it is better to say nothing. And to say so, "I don't know what to say, so I will just stand here, look you in the eye and say, 'I'm sorry."
However one of those cliches that did get aired a lot was "One day at a time, or Just keep putting one foot in front of the other". These two have actually proved very helpful, if not a bit repetitive.
You know what, some days that is ALL I can do. Other times I bounce through the day and even truly smile, a real smile that comes from happiness (or Karen saying something funny.*)
The other day one of the doctors came into the office and said "Oh it's lovely to see your happy smile again!" I said, "Well not really happy, T...." he said, "Well in your heart you're happy."
What the!!! is he for shizzle? Shows how little people actually comprehend or take notice of whats going on. A smile can be a mask and only your true friends know the difference.
That's OK though, I guess, 100% of the people you come into contact with cant be expected to be on cue and in tune like your mates are. Unreasonable is what that would be.
I understand that folk want me to be happy, they want me to be smiling and they want things to go back to the comfortable norm that they liked, however as much as I try to be that way, for others as well as for myself - God knows that would be so much easier - it's can't always be sunny and bright - I can't always be sunny and bright.
Thank God that I have a dozen or so really good friends and family right at my fingertips and another dozen or so on Good Old Facey, that embrace me no matter what my face looks like; smiling or crying. They still stand straight and true and that gift is one that I cannot put words to or show how grateful I am.
There is an old saying, A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed
You know as a youngen, I never really understood that message, that is I literally didn't know what it meant. My goodness, do now.
I am so thankful for so many things. I am grateful that we never got on that boat; I am grateful that Danika and Shaun moved back to Launceston when they did; I thank God each day for my wonderful family; I am grateful for the beautiful day we had for the wedding; I am grateful for the love that comes to me just when I need it from at times very unexpected corners.
I am grateful, eternally so, for the wonderful man that shared my life for nearly 19 years, who loved me so much that he never wanted me to change one thing about myself and I am grateful that he let me love him with a fierce, crazy, determined, wonderful love that left him in no doubt how cherished he was and I knew how much he loved me back.
I spent ANZAC Day in Canberra with Emily and Farooq. Farooq marched in the ANZAC Day parade and I was so proud of him. I watched with amazement as those old fellas marched on, some with sticks or canes, others in the back of jeeps - still proud, still soldiering on. Is it an art form or can anybody learn how to do it. Soldier on , I mean. What they went through and what hundreds and hundreds of wives,lovers, mothers, aunts, uncles etc etc went through when so many thousands of young men didn't come home.
I am only one, I know, but to me Chris was my whole world. He was my axis, my true love who didn't have to love me, he chose to love me. He chose to live and share his life with me, unconditionally. And he never held back, he was generous, giving and so supportive in all my endeavours.
So to honour Chris and to keep our agreement, I will Soldier On. At times I might not be very successful but if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I am still making some kind of progress.
My brother has said to me a few times that it only hurts so much because Chris and I had it so damn good. That is true. But Dear God I just wish You hadn't taken Chris quite so soon. I don't know when would have been better though, maybe never.
*Karen and I are hilarious by the way, even if we are the only ones who think we are - well I used to be so I am sure it will come back to me :)
I'm happy you are back blogging, sharing your life, helping us all to make sense of ours. I like what you are saying about putting one foot in front of the other and soldiering on but I think the great W.H. Auden captures poignantly the necessary paralysis of grief:
ReplyDeleteW. H. Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
We know that in time there will be good, joy, happiness, laughter, peace; that there is now in parts of ordinary days and that you will with each step master the art of soldiering on, but take your time dear heart
Oh Dear Katie, this is the poem that Nada read to lead off the processional into Chris' funeral service. It encapsulates the depth of pain and the total inclusion of Chris and my life together.
DeleteChris was my North, my South, my East and my West. How I could ever have been so lucky to have him as my husband is beyond words, but I am so glad he was.