Hello New Year

I imagine that there are quite a few of you out there, like me, shaking your head and thinking, "WHAT? 2015 already. Can't be!"
I find it hard to believe that nearly 11 months have passed and I am still functioning on some kind of normal level and that I have not completely sunk underground, under water, under the weight of the all consuming grief of losing Chris.

I have kept a journal this year and it has been mostly to do with dealing with the death of my husband, Chris. The journal has certainly changed over the last few months, a new pattern is emerging.  I no longer write in it every day but when I do, it ususally a couple of pages rather than a few paragraphs.  Which is surprising because I have not written on this blog for a long time. My focus is changing.

That, I think, is a good thing.

It will very soon be the first anniversary of Chris' death.  I am facing this with trepidation. The very thought of it makes me feel all sick and yucky in the tummy. I can't bear the thought of another year without him.  But bear it I must.

My daughter told me a great thing once, "If you can't get out of it; get into it." So with that in mind, I had better start making some plans for getting into 2015. The little list above, I thought, was a good place to start.

I reckon I can break one bad habit, but I have a few so not quite sure which one is the greater of the evils - LOL!  Forsaking perfection may be a little more difficult but I am also willing to give that a try :)

As I look forward, the future scares me but my other wise daughter (I have two wise daughters)  told me, "You dont have to do it all at once, just a day at a time." I know this of course but my goodness, I do need a lot of reminding.  I'm a little slow on the uptake some times.

That Rachel Taylor is a very wise young woman too. She said you need three things to be happy
                  1. Someone to love.....well I have those - thank you beautiful family and friends
                  2. Something to do....hello work and play
                  3. Something to look forward to......holiday in Hawaii in February with lovely sister :)

I am going to try with all my might to go into 2015, smiling and laughing, just like Chris told me to do - cos I know he will be watching :)

Happy New Year, my beautiful, encouraging friends, may God bless you all with good health and plenty of smiles and laugh out loud moments spent with loved ones. Quiet reflective times are good too.

Little Yellow Gumboots

In amongst all the packing, cleaning up, chucking out etc, I came across this photo of Lilly (AKA Daughter E) again.  A few of you would remember when this photo was taken.  It was not long after the childrens' father and I went in different directions.  The children and I moved to a little house in Bird Street, Burnie, not far from their school. Lil was only about 4 in this photo.  I reckon they are actually her sisters boots :)

I am not entirely sure what the occasion was that prompted this photo, it may have been that she just looked so darned cute in those yellow gumboots.  It may have been her 4th birthday photo. A new Care Bear perhaps? 

We had some great times in that little house; we also had some heart breakers.

What I also remember so well from those months, was the beautiful support that my elder sister, Julie, was to me. At times I was quite overwhelmed with what "singlemotherhood" brought with it on a daily basis. For a 30 year old with three children under 10, at times the circumstances were daunting, scary, lonely and downright unfair - but as I have always said to the kids, "Life is unfair, get used to it!" So practice what you preach is the next cliche that springs to mind :) Buckle up and get down to it.

Julie would often call and say "Kathryn, what are you doing?" And so off we would go on some little jaunt.  One morning we had organised to go nursery shopping, (as in garden variety, not baby variety)  and I dropped Emily off to kindergarten with Danika. When Julie and I returned at lunch time to pick up Emily, the teacher informed me that actually there was no kinder that morning as they had had an excursion earlier in the week and so Emily was in fact the only kid in kinder that morning!  Ooops - she had spent the morning with her big sister in Grade 2! Quite happily apparently.

That sort of common sense, empathic response would not occur now - they would report you to Welfare and put the kid straight into foster care. Okay slight exaggeration but after I got over the enormous embarrassment, and the funny side was realised, I also appreciated the fact that Mrs French could see what sort of emotionally fragile state I was in and a mistake like this was overlooked as a normal stress response, not a "losing her mind" type response. 

Back to the daily grind at present, I have nearly finished all the packing, maybe one box of bits and bobs to go and then the suit cases with clothes etc to take on the boat/plane.

Chris' bad back still prevents him from doing anything much, although we have been to the pool the last two days (finally got him there!) and he thinks it is helping - thank you God!
Even though we have a decent size house, with 7 adults, three dogs and a cat, it is pushed to the seams a bit at the moment - but that's OK, soon we will be two adults and 1 cat less (unfortunately, but they need to go back to Sydney and get themselves ready to move States as well). That will make one of the dogs happier anyway. LOL!

I am to the stage now, where I just want to go. All the planning, preparations, plan changing and frustrations are wearing thin. It seems like we have been on this treadmill of moving for so long and my brain is stuck on rewind a bit.  What to do, what to pack, what to organise, etc etc. So many things to remember!

But then if I look back at the photo of the cutest little girl in her yellow gumboots, clutching her Care Bear in a blue suede dress, then I can remember that we have been through challenging times before and with a fair amount of humour and family love, we got through it then and we will again.

Goodbye 2013

Wow 2013 is nearly over! What a year of change it has been; adventures and new experiences.  I can hardly wait to see what 2014 will bring.  More change for one thing and more adventures. 

This is going to be my new motto for 2014.  I have to admit that I am anxious about saying goodbye.  If I could whisk us both to Karratha over night and be settled, moved in and steady, I would be really thrilled.

The downside to that though, of course, is that I would not get the chance to say goodbye. So it's a no win/no win situation.  I would like to save myself the upset of saying goodbye but I don't want to miss out on saying goodbye.  Make sense??  No, not to me either.

Back to 2013, before it is too late and it is 2014.

We had a great year which included travelling through France and the UK for 7 weeks; getting to know Chris' new little grand daughter, Scarlett (who is a delight) and having some lovely visits from the kids.  In 2013 Chris got a new job;  I had some wonderful hours spent in the playroom making all sorts of lovely bits and bobs. We had a couple of mini breaks, Freycinet, Hobart and Melbourne.  I read a few wonderful books and a couple of shite ones and saw some great movies.

Some friends moved away; some moved closer; we made some new friends and lost some as well. All in all we have been blessed, looked after, loved and most importantly, cherished in 2013.  We have been sick, had aches and pains and a couple of infections between us but still lucky enough to say that we are in good health. 

In 2014 we are facing one of our biggest years of change yet.  It will be adventurous, challenging, unsettling and uplifting. As long as we are together, I am OK with that.

I am looking forward to a new job, making new friends, seeing new places and experiencing new fun things to do. Through it all, I trust that I have the faith to remember that we are in the place that we are meant to be, doing what we are meant to be doing at a time that is just right for us.

So as we draw the blinds on 2013 and open the cupboard to let the New Year out, I want to wish you all the very best.  Here's to a new year of good health, loads of happy times and the best of life that friends, family and love can bring to you all.

Thanks for reading my thoughts and ramblings over the last couple of months and I hope that I can hold your attention again in 2014 for a few minutes every now  and then.