Hello New Year

I imagine that there are quite a few of you out there, like me, shaking your head and thinking, "WHAT? 2015 already. Can't be!"
I find it hard to believe that nearly 11 months have passed and I am still functioning on some kind of normal level and that I have not completely sunk underground, under water, under the weight of the all consuming grief of losing Chris.

I have kept a journal this year and it has been mostly to do with dealing with the death of my husband, Chris. The journal has certainly changed over the last few months, a new pattern is emerging.  I no longer write in it every day but when I do, it ususally a couple of pages rather than a few paragraphs.  Which is surprising because I have not written on this blog for a long time. My focus is changing.

That, I think, is a good thing.

It will very soon be the first anniversary of Chris' death.  I am facing this with trepidation. The very thought of it makes me feel all sick and yucky in the tummy. I can't bear the thought of another year without him.  But bear it I must.

My daughter told me a great thing once, "If you can't get out of it; get into it." So with that in mind, I had better start making some plans for getting into 2015. The little list above, I thought, was a good place to start.

I reckon I can break one bad habit, but I have a few so not quite sure which one is the greater of the evils - LOL!  Forsaking perfection may be a little more difficult but I am also willing to give that a try :)

As I look forward, the future scares me but my other wise daughter (I have two wise daughters)  told me, "You dont have to do it all at once, just a day at a time." I know this of course but my goodness, I do need a lot of reminding.  I'm a little slow on the uptake some times.

That Rachel Taylor is a very wise young woman too. She said you need three things to be happy
                  1. Someone to love.....well I have those - thank you beautiful family and friends
                  2. Something to do....hello work and play
                  3. Something to look forward to......holiday in Hawaii in February with lovely sister :)

I am going to try with all my might to go into 2015, smiling and laughing, just like Chris told me to do - cos I know he will be watching :)

Happy New Year, my beautiful, encouraging friends, may God bless you all with good health and plenty of smiles and laugh out loud moments spent with loved ones. Quiet reflective times are good too.

Cherished

Nearly twenty years ago, I met this extraordinarily ordinary man.  We had both come onto the scene with a fair amount of baggage and hurts.  There were no guarantees and no sure fire way to make a new relationship work or prosper. It was just suck it and see  and hope.

We were both tentative, OK so maybe I dived in head first, but he was tentative.  He didn't want to have his "arse kicked". (He had a way with words. yes?)

As the weeks went on and we could see the potential of a future, we had a few heart to hearts.

I asked my darling, which is what he most definitely was to become, "What do you want out of this relationship?"  He reeled off some of the things he was looking for - companionship, someone to love, someone to share things with, go out together etc.

He asked me what I wanted.

I said, "I only want one thing; I want to be cherished."  

He said,"What does that mean exactly?"  "Well you know, I want to be loved and held in high esteem. I want to be your number one." I wanted to be that highest prize, the be all and end all, the upper most in his devotion and care.  I knew what I wanted I just found it hard to put into words.

So I found the words.  I went to the dictionary and then I embroidered that definition in cross stitch as a reminder to us both for all time.

And so it was.  The benchmark for our lives together.  

This embroidery always hung by our bed and many many, nights I lay in bed and looked at this definition and thought of all the ways that Chris cherished me and showed that devotion and care. I was his treasure and he was mine.   

When Chris was working away, as he very often was, I would look at this word and think of the conversation that we had had so long ago.  

Well just the other night, I was laying in bed, looking up at that picture when I realised something. 

Cherish - take away the E and the H at the end and what does it spell?  CHRIS

And he lovingly fulfilled my request until the day he died.

My Favourite Month

Being a fairly traditional kind of person, I am also fairly predictable. So no surprises that September is my favourite month  - it is my birthday month.

Normally I look forward to my birthday with a child like anticipation of being spoilt and having a fuss made.  This year I just wanted the day to come and quickly go.  I wasn't looking forward to it, I was dreading it - just like I have dreaded many of the Special Days of the calendar this year.

The last few months have been a bit horrid.  After keeping it all together for the weddings and getting through Chris' birthday, July arrived with a great crashing thud followed on by a glum and sorry August.

This was exacerbated by the fact that I contracted the dratted flu and was very sick for about three weeks; add into the mixing pot, dreary winter days, final tax returns for my beloved and a long drawn out renovation that should have taken three weeks max. and took just under seven!! (That's a whole post ion its own, everything went wrong with wrong baths, vanities made wrong and damaged shelf units....oh dear!)

So you can see, I had a bit going on.  Anyway, like my sister keeps telling me - this too shall pass and it did.  Even though I don't like her telling me that.

So my birthday ....turns out it was going to be worse than I had imagined. I received a phone call telling me the news that a very dear friend of ours had passed away on my birthday.  Dear kind Terry, adored husband of Sue, what a lovely man he was.  Terry had been battling cancer for six years and had always shown remarkable strength, unwavering love and devotion to his wife.

Terry had resilience and guts that I admired immensely.  He was a true gentleman, not smug and seeking his own grandification, just a true honest friend.  Sue and Terry welcomed Chris with open arms over 11 years ago when we moved to Launceston to start a new job. They proved to be loving reliable companions, whom we both loved.

My heart broke again when Sue told me of Terry's passing because I knew what lay ahead for her.

I just hope that Terry and Chris have found each other in Heaven and are swapping yarns, reliving old Glory Days and looking down on Sue and I with careful, loving eyes. I'm sure they support us still and send us both strength.

And now September, lovely Spring September.  The days are longer, Chris' beautiful daffs are coming out and there is a general feeling of renewal in the air.

I feel calmer and somehow a bit stronger.  I feel brighter about the future, not so scared and not so daunted.

Maybe my cup has been re-filled.  Maybe my Darling and God are getting their heads together and sending hope and love and inspiration.

Maybe I have found the road that is  a little bit wider, a little bit less steep, a little bit more picturesque; maybe it's because it's Spring!

Whatever the reason, I will take it and  hold it very close cos I don't want it to rewind.

Luckiness = Love

I was watching a movie the other day - astounding news I know - but it was the soliloquy at the end of the movie by Nathan Lane that got me thinking.  The movie was Nicholas Nickleby (thanks Rennie for the loan). At the Wedding and there is always a wedding in Charles Dickens' novels, Nathan Lane gets up and makes a beautiful speech about happiness and family.

I am so lucky that I have a great family and this is just the immediate members plus Chrissie, of course. Dad is not trying to catch flies, he always talks to the photographer when he is having his photo taken. LOLZA

I digress...what did Nathan Lane say?

                         " Family need not be defined merely by those with whom we share our blood,
                            but by those whom would give their blood."

And I think that is so true.  Over the last six months there has been a lot of people who I would happily now introduce to folk as my sister, my brother, my child. Such has been the incredible outpouring of support and love.

Happily for me, I did actually gain two new children this year;  new sons-in-law. We have also increased the family by two, with more still to make themselves known to us.  It has certainly been a big year.

I don't think that we ever could have dreamed it up in a million years, just how big 2014 would be for the Rossiter/Hawley/Archer households.  Proof again of another little gem from Mr Lane - well really Mr Dickens -

                          "In every life, no matter how full or empty one's purse, there is tragedy;
                            That is the one promise life always fulfills.
                            Thus happiness is a gift and the trick is not to expect it
                            But to delight in it when it comes;
                            And to add to other peoples store of it."

Such beautiful simplicity but such a concise and lovely way to look at life.  What a pity that life is not always so simple or concise; no neatly little wrapped up parcels that we just have to unwrap and enjoy.

What a shame that our love and emotions cannot be easily distracted from our sorrow.  But what hope can we derive from the ever present knowledge that love, whether right beside us or in our hearts, can not be taken from our memory.

My memories can be a comfort or a burning stone in my side - that constant reminder that the love of my life is not beside me.  I told a work colleague today that I used to truly believe that I was the luckiest lady I knew, the luckiest person in Launceston.   After all what more could I possibly need or want, I had Chris and he loved me.  She said that I was still one of the luckiest people she knew because I had the marriage that a lot of people never get.

So tonight, 24 weeks down a very bumpy old road, I am grateful for family, grateful for love that has been so beautifully given, new friends, dear work mates and a chance to still see myself as one of the lucky ones.

Footnote:  A few of you may be worrying because I haven't written a blog post for quite some time, but I want you to know that I write in my journal every day but that stuff is too raw and personal to share; but I am still writing :)

Something Good for the World

"The man who has planted a garden feels that he has done something good for the world." - Charles Dudley Warner.

That was true of my husband.  He loved to plant things.  He loved to grow things.  He was a natural nurturer.  Chris planted veggies, roses, begonias and little annuals.  He used to get excited when his begonias started to poke their little green heads through the potting mix that was his own secret recipe.  I still could not tell you what was in it.

Not a begonia but a hippeastrum

Chris particularly loved to potter about the garden and then come in and tell me all about what he had done or what he planned to do.  He loved a second opinion :)
Dad and Chris would talk for hours about the joys and challenges of gardening.

Dad has been gardening for about 85 years and every year that I have been around, Dad has had a veggie patch.
When he was 90 he won Community Gardener of the year!! Not bad eh?

 Chris would often surprise me with a vase of his beautiful roses on the dining table when I got home from work. "Smell that red one. It's just beautiful."  And it was.  Even our neighbour delighted in the his beautiful blooms towering over the fence.

These were lilium bulbs that Dad gave Chris.  I sent Chris this photo when he was in Karratha so that he could see how his garden was growing in his absence.  He had lovely white and yellow varieties as well.  He wasn't against any flower and loved them all, though of course begonias and roses were his favourites.

One of my lovely memories of Chris and the kids digging carrots up in the veggie patch. The kids were covered in dirt but they loved it.

and of course there was always a little helper in the garden 

A beautiful rose from a beautiful man - a beautiful life of memories that as time goes by I hold dearer and dearer.  Thank you my darling, you certainly left a lot of good in this world.

Chris' Day

Today is Chris' Birthday. He would have been 62. 

Chris on his 21st Birthday *

Wasn't he gorgeous?

But he is not here to wish Happy Birthday to, so instead we will celebrate his life.  We will thank God over and over again for sharing 18 wonderful birthdays with Chris.  We will remember all the happy birthdays that we did share together.

We will celebrate the fact that he came into our lives and changed us all for the better.  (I like to think we reciprocated on that deal)  We will relish in the fact that he loved us and never tired of showing us how much. 

The last few weeks have been particularly rocky, hence no posts. We have another wedding to take joy in next weekend and I am praying that this is the start of a more settled time. 

A lot of things have changed in the two photos above.  As Chris said, he had an incredibly lucky, good life and right there is the proof of how lucky we both were.  

* photo courtesy of D. and C. Rossiter 

The Day We Met

It was April 13th, 1995, my brothers 40th Birthday. He was 42 and I was 33. It was a sunny, autumn day. I didn't know it but my life was about to become fabulous.

He pulled up outside and I was watching him approach the house from the safety of my kitchen. He couldn't see me, but I could watch him. I liked the look of him right there!

As he walked up my front path, I could see that he was wary and maybe nervous.  I was excited. He knocked on the door and I let the most wonderful man, not only into my home but into my heart.  That was the beginning of a 19 year love affair that changed us, rewarded us, moved us to tears, frustrated us, made us laugh, completely encapsulated us both and set us free. We had a love that was like no other I had ever had.  I felt safe, looked after, adored, fulfilled, appreciated.

Most importantly of all, I felt cherished.

His name was Chris and as sure as there are leaves on trees and clouds in the sky, Chris was brought to my door because he was everything in a man that I needed.

I can still see clearly what he had on; a muted green shirt, Levi jeans and a pair of casual Diadora sports shoes, tan. He had wavy black hair that was starting to grey at the sides, a moustache and a shy smile.  He had beautiful eyes and elegant hands - apart from the middle finger on his left hand which was missing from the first knuckle down; the result of a childhood accident with a chaff cutting machine.

He came in for coffee and was still there two hours later.  We worked out that we knew some of the same people from our sons playing hockey at the same time, but apart from that coincidence, we had never heard of each other - strange as that is in a small Tassie town.

He had two sons, 13 and 16. I had three children 13, 9 and 6.  He operated his own business in scrap metal recycling and I worked at the local newspaper.
I had been a single Mum for three and a half years. He had been separated for nearly a year.

About an hour after he had left that first day, he called me and said, "So what did you think of me?"  That still makes me smile now. I dare say it always will.  So he was honest, up front, had a sense of humour and a little unsure of himself - what's not to like??

Years later he would tell me that he fell in love with me that day I opened the door and smiled at him. I think it took a bit longer than that, but that's what he said :)

I fell in love with his kindness, his thoughtfulness, his lovely smile and his love for other people, my children included.  Many years later I would tell my sister, "I will love Chris till the day I die, if for no other reason than for what a wonderful father he has been to my kids."

It is hard not to love  a man so much when he clearly loves your children and treats them as if they were his own. Over the years he would do his best to be the kind of loving Dad that they needed so badly. I cannot remember him ever not being there when they needed him, with just the right words and the right amount of care.

My love for that man is still as strong as it was on March 22, 1997 - the day we married. In fact I believe the love got stronger, deeper, more comforting and more precious with the passage of time.

In two weeks time, I have another hurdle to jump. Chris' birthday. I don't yet know how we will remember that day. However, as I recall now all the happy birthdays that we have celebrated together, I only hope that those memories will one day make me happy again, not sad.