Why Do I Write ?

This morning I read a very interesting article and I thought I would share with you some thoughts that I had about it.
The article can be seen in full here :

http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/education-uprising/ten-things-creative-people-know


"Cross-cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien tells us that in many traditional cultures, when an ill person goes to the healer, he or she is asked four questions: When did you stop singing? When did you stop dancing? When did you stop telling your story? When did you stop sitting in silence? She calls these the healing salves. Numerous studies show that activities like drawing and creative writing—even knitting—raise serotonin levels and decrease anxiety."

This is the paragraph that really danced in front of my eyes and then gave me a little slap on the head. It made me think about the way my life has been spilling over the last few weeks into a sadness that seems to hang onto me like Kate Winslet to the bedhead in the ocean.  Those little tear drops that are always just at the corner of my eyes. Even though at times I feel happiness, I also feel sadness that Chris cannot join me in the happy things.

Those four questions are so apt - not just to me but to us all.  When did you stop singing in the car because you are too busy worrying about what you need to do as soon as you get in the door;  how often do you sit in silence and just let your mind wander freely over daydreams or memories; why don't you dance at the kitchen sink anymore while the music plays and you do the dishes?

Pre-January 2014. I used to do these things a lot. I always used to sing in the car, the sewing room, the garden, at the sink; dance along to tunes while doing housework or the ironing  (sit-dance in the car, this involves a lot of hand and arm action!).

I am not doing them now and if I do sit in silence it is because I am in sorrow, not delightful contemplation about my next holiday or outing.

However, I do tell my story.  That's what I am able to do here.  My writing gives me a voice that I can use however I want to say whatever I want.  I don't have to worry about seeing a disapproving glance or a raised eyebrow or even an unholy heaven ward eye roll. I can just sit here and tap away and put all the thoughts that are chasing each other in my head, into a single neat little black line. One letter at a time. It's good, isn't it!

No one even has to read it to make me feel better but the great thing is, if they do and say something to me, then the blessing is magnified, many times.

I often told Chris that I hated to be ignored, so writing on a blog is great for me. The being ignored thing is something about being the youngest of six children, I think. By the time you get down the line that far, there's not a whole lot of energy left for child No. 6*. Not when you have a mother working and a Dad out earning a buck 7 days a week. So maybe, writing is a great way to say all those things that I would be unprepared to say face to face. I don't have to worry about burdening them with more information than they can handle either.  The reader can always just shut the lid, pull the plug, unsubscribe. 

I love the way the writer of the article above described these four points:

•           singing
•           sitting in silence
•           dancing
• and    telling your story            as healing salves

Doesn't sound calming?  We all need some kind of healing - we all suffer a hurt or a disappointment.  It's not just about me and my loss.  It's all of us who need a healing salve from time to time. 

Thriving When We Feel Supported is a by product of writing the blog. When I get supportive or encouraging feedback, I feel as though I have my own little band of cheering girls, egging me on and giving me the strength to just keep trying.  Trying is easy if I know that there is a friend out there who doesn't care if I face plant. They still love me, filthy faced or clean cheeked and that is a gift that no amount of money or fake concern can replicate.

And Knitting  - who could not be cheered, relaxed, soothed and calmed when they have a little pile of wool in their laps and two sharp objects criss-crossing, being used for the beautiful purpose of making something. And then giving it away - I love giving my hand mades away.  Whether they get used again, who knows. But the joy I have in making them is only surpassed in the joy of giving it to someone I love. 

Knitting decreases anxiety and releases seretonin; puts a smile on the receivers face (even if it is just a "Oh My God, she expects me to wear this" or worse  "She expects me to put this on my beautiful child!" type smile).  It doesn't matter, the job has been done! I am relaxed, my anxiety has decreased and my serotonin levels are increased. I have written my few paragraphs and I am at peace ......for awhile LOL!



* This is just my perception, not a slur against large families 

Time to Count your Blessings

Happy Mothers Day to all you women who mold the future generations. I hope that your day has beautiful moments that you can store away in the vault to draw out later and turn over and over to get every ounce of love and joy out of them.

I seem to be surrounded by happiness today. The newly weds; the about-to-be newly weds; my lovely niece has just given birth to a beautiful little girl - she already looks gorgeous and relaxed and she is only two days old! There are other little bubs on the way; my friends all seem to be trotting along OK and most of the family are well and happy.

I'm pleased about that.

I think too often we get so busy in our lives, so intent on making the most of each minute, so frantic running here and there getting our lists ticked off  (or is this just me??)  that we forget to count our blessings.

Those little things that put a smile on our face for no reason are blessings; those daily joys that are so small we don't even recognise them. You know, the coffee that tastes so good this morning; the toast that is cooked just right; the paper not being wet; dodging the cold and flu; if you have the cold and flu, the fact you can afford medicine to feel better; the blue sky after lots of rain and clouds - a metaphor for life if ever there was one - the warm bed; the friend who calls to say "Hi, how are you?"

I could go on and on but if you pause for a few seconds right now, I bet you can think of ten things, count off on your fingers, ten things that you are lucky, really lucky to have right now in your life.  It doesn't detract from your joy if other people also share that blessing, you know, it is still yours to acknowledge.

My heart has been pummeled these last few days. I have felt terrible grief and sorrow when I visited Chris' grave. It was the first time that I have been there since the headstone plaque was added.  I was not at all prepared for the tidal wave of sorrow that hit me like a tonne of bricks.  I was absolutely surprised by it. But even in all that grief, I was still reminded, beautifully so, of the love of caring friends and the concern of my loving family. How lucky am I to have those people who give me love when I need it most?

How can I not be thankful?  You probably all think I'm losing the plot. How  can I be so deep in sorrow and yet still think I am lucky?  I don't know the answer, I really don't know.  All I do know is that I still feel the love and comfort that surrounds me.  It is strange and weird but then again the goings on of the last few months have been strange, weird, wrecking, re-building, debilitating, divine and hopeful.  Most of all I am just so grateful for the love of a wonderful man who meant the world to me and I to him.  Truly grateful.

Doesn't mean that I  don't wish he was still right here beside me today and that we were having breakfast in Karratha as per the instructions!!

So for Mothers Day 2014, count your blessings!  Give thanks to your own Higher Being for all you have, let your friends and family know how much they mean to you, because you never know when that may be your last opportunity - plus it makes people feel good to know that they are appreciated :)

So put a smile on your own face and someone elses and say, "Thank you for all you do for me. I love you".  You will be surprised how good it feels to be grateful and let others know that as well.

My mother used to always say, "There is always someone better off than you and someone worse off than you - the better ones make you strive to be better and the worse off make you grateful for all you have."  she was a wise old gal, my mother.

To my darling children, thank you for all you have done for me and with me over the last 32 years. Thank you for being such loving, caring, thoughtful men and women who truly think of others and how you can improve their days.  I am thankful for the gift that is motherhood.  I also thank Chris for bringing to the equation my two lovely step sons, who just like their darling Dad are marvellous, caring men. See how lucky I am? I would have put their pictures on here for you all to see, but they might be embarrassed and goodness knows I have done that enough over the last twenty years or so LOL!! So Darren, Andrew, Jonathan, Danika and Emily - today I give thanks for you xxxxx

My heart is a museum filled with pictures of you

The Joy of Marriage

So it is Friday again, end of Week 14. Fourteen weeks, I cannot believe it.  It is true what everyone says, life does go on, amazing as that is. I think that I am glad that my life is still going on.  I would have missed out on a lot otherwise. Plus I have to experience everything twice, once for me and once for Chris.

The last few months have been jam packed; as full as a fat girls sock!

Emily and Farooq's wedding on April 5th was definately a high point.  A beautiful day filled with happy memories of family and friends being of one heart - all celebrating the beautiful love that can happen between two people.  A love that shuts out everyone else but embraces them all at the same time. A generous love that shares with other people the special joy of an intimate moment.

It is a love that only Emily and Farooq really appreciate and understand as they are the core of it, the drivers of that love and the nurturers of their union.

Emily and Farooq have their whole lives in front of them to wallow in the comforting bliss of knowing that there is one other person in the 6 billion others sucking in oxygen that share our earth, that truly, unconditionally have chosen to love the other.

It is very powerful stuff. 

The love between your lover and you eclipses all others because that love is a decision. Unlike your child, mother, brother, etc whom you love because you share DNA, your life partner is the biggest choice you ever make.

Next month, the gorgeous Danika and her equally beautiful Shaun, will also take this magical step and join together their lives in holy matrimony. Can a mothers heart get any fuller?

Danika and Shaun have a truly lovely story but that is hers to tell, but if you see her, ask her about their story, it will make you cry with joy - it was fate; a blessing that just had to be bestowed; written in stone thousands of years ago :)  I carry on a bit but you get the picture.

So this year, I have become both a widow and a mother in law.  Two of the biggest occurrences in one's life surely.  I thank God that the two new sons I have are both wonderful caring men, whom I know will hold my daughters' hands and hearts with the utmost of care and devotion. How can I not be comforted and happy in that ?

So Many Questions

Do you remember that line out of pretty woman. The one where Julia Roberts is made to feel bad because the ladies in the shop wont serve her.  Then her friend says that she is a great gal and deserves good stuff.  Julia replies with a line something like "have you ever noticed that the bad stuff people say to you is easier to believe than the good things."

It is a generalization I know, but the bad things that we tell ourselves and that others reinforce in us from time to time with their snide little remarks, stay in our head longer than the compliments that we are given.

We remember the negative with such greater clarity and the pain of those negative, hurtful remarks takes a lot longer to get over if they hit a nerve that we have already been picking at ourselves.

A lot of people say "I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me".  I have never truly met a person like that.  Most of the people I know, do give a shit.  Isn't it innate in us to want to be liked and approved of ?  All that supposition that no man is an island and we all need to be loved and give love back must be proven somehow in the relationships we seek and those that we already have that we build on.

Funny things us humans, aren't we?  I am not saying that I have any insight into the answers of why or how, but I guess having lost the love of my life, (which is an oft stated remark) has made me wonder if this is the end of that special love we shared.  How does that love go on without the oxygen of attention and care from one half of the equation.  How do I feel that love when Chris isn't here?

People say that he is in my heart. Is that the memories and thoughts that I have about him?  Is that how I know that Chris' love for me lives on even though he had died?  We didn't have children together, so it can't live on in them.  Chris wrote me a letter that said he loved me with all his heart and that would never change but it has, hasn't it. That love just isn't the same anymore because Chris is not here. So do I hold onto the love that we shared when he was alive?

I just cant get my head around it all. It is a concept that I have really been struggling with - I guess you can tell.   Maybe as I make my way through months and a couple of years. I will be able to understand more how the feeling of love manifests long after the person has gone.

I know that Chris loved me, he loved me so very much and he displayed that love to all, especially to me. He loved me probably a lot more than I deserved (see there's that negative thought pattern again, so much easier than saying I am absolutely adorable and deserve to be loved by such a wonderful man as Chris) and I know that he knew how much I loved him while he was alive. But there is the difference, I still love him now cos I am still alive. I know I still love him, I think about him every minute and everything I see, do, think of, remember - it all reminds me of Chris.

And I miss him terribly, so much that it actually does hurt sometimes.

So do I just hold onto the memory of how much he loved me or do I believe that no matter where he is, he is still loving me?  See, I just cannot get my mind to circle around the concept of love after death and come to any sort of understanding.

Is it the negative thoughts or is it the grief that just will not allow me to grasp it all, it is too overwhelming. Or is it a lack of faith?  Too many questions, too many open ended sentences that make no sense, too many instances that I wish Chris was here to ask him the answers. Maybe if I concentrate really hard, he will tell me the answers again.

None of this makes sense, I know but sometimes it helps to get the ramblings out of my head and onto the page.

Different Life, Different Title

I have been overwhelmed at the number of page views that my old blog, "From Tassie to Karratha" generated over the past couple of months. Maybe it was the same ten people checking in to see if I had updated with a new post! Whatever the case was, confusion ensued as to whether or not I had in fact still left for Karratha, without Chris.

Well, no, I haven't.  Those plans were for Chris and I; those plans involved and centred around Chris' new job.  I still had my position here at the hospital. I was just on Long Service Leave at the time Chris was diagnosed. My home is here, two thirds of my kids are here and my friends are scattered all over the place :) Something had to stay familiar and soothing, right?

So the need for a name change became more evident to me over the last few weeks.  So this is it.

From Now On

Seems appropriate, don't you think?

When I was writing the old blog, I had so many ideas of things I wanted to tell you. I thought they were interesting, I hope that you will too, when I finally get around to writing them down. there will also be new situations that come up that I will share my thoughts with you about.  Being sad, lonely, scared, grateful, appreciative, happy, all the memories of Chris.

So here we go.  The person is still the same person but the context and situation has drastically changed.  I can't promise that there won't be days when I will be maudlin, but I will endeavour to keep those to a minimum. The "journey" ahead will be alien to a lot of you, it is to me as well.  I just hope that by giving you an insight into what happens to an ordinary 52 year old woman who suddenly becomes a widow, will help you to understand either a bit about yourself or someone that crosses your path - be it by chance, in passing or one of your own loved ones.  That won't be all I write about though, so don't be put off thinking it will just be tears and chest beating.

Feel free to join in and leave comments - but I warn you, I will delete any that upset me - after all it's my blog and I will cry if I want to :) But only if I want to.

Soldiering On

Another month, another week, another day, another hour, all without Chris.

How it works; how I keep going?  I do not know.  People said to me when Chris died, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Well you know, I am not one for cliches - I hate those droll lines that we drag out when we can't possibly think of what else to say - sometimes it is better to say nothing. And to say so, "I don't know what to say, so I will just stand here, look you in the eye and say, 'I'm sorry."

However one of those cliches that did get aired a lot was "One day at a time, or Just keep putting one foot in front of the other".  These two have actually proved very helpful, if not a bit repetitive.
You know what, some days that is ALL I can do.  Other times I bounce through the day and even truly smile, a real smile that comes from happiness (or Karen saying something funny.*)

The other day one of the doctors came into the office and said "Oh it's lovely to see your happy smile again!"  I said, "Well not really happy, T...." he said, "Well in your heart you're happy."  
What the!!! is he for shizzle?  Shows how little people actually comprehend or take notice of whats going on.  A smile can be a mask and only your true friends know the difference.
That's OK though, I guess, 100% of the people you come into contact with cant be expected to be on cue and in tune like your mates are.  Unreasonable is what that would be. 


I understand that folk want me to be happy, they want me to be smiling and they want things to go back to the comfortable norm that they liked, however as much as I try to be that way, for others as well as for myself  - God knows that would be so much easier - it's can't always be sunny and bright - I can't always be sunny and bright.

Thank God that I have a dozen or so really good friends and family right at my fingertips and another dozen or so on Good Old Facey, that embrace me no matter what my face looks like; smiling or crying. They still stand straight and true and that gift is one that I cannot put words to or show how grateful I am. 

There is an old saying, A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed
You know as a youngen, I never really understood that message, that is I literally didn't know what it meant. My goodness,  do now. 

I am so thankful for so many things. I am grateful that we never got on that boat; I am grateful that Danika and Shaun moved back to Launceston when they did; I thank God each day for my wonderful family;  I am grateful for the beautiful day we had for the wedding; I am grateful for the love that comes to me just when I need it from at times very unexpected corners.

I am grateful, eternally so, for the wonderful man that shared my life for nearly 19 years, who loved me so much that he never wanted me to change one thing about myself and I am grateful that he let me love him with a fierce, crazy, determined, wonderful love that left him in no doubt how cherished he was and I knew how much he loved me back. 

I spent ANZAC Day in Canberra with Emily and Farooq. Farooq marched in the ANZAC Day parade and I was so proud of him. I watched with amazement as those old fellas marched on, some with sticks or canes, others in the back of jeeps - still proud, still soldiering on. Is it an art form or can anybody learn how to do it. Soldier on , I mean. What they went through and what hundreds and hundreds of wives,lovers, mothers, aunts, uncles etc etc went through when so many thousands of young men didn't come home. 

I am only one, I know, but to me Chris was my whole world. He was my axis, my true love who didn't have to love me, he chose to love me. He chose to live and share his life with me, unconditionally. And he never held back, he was generous, giving and so supportive in all my endeavours.

So to honour Chris and to keep our agreement, I will Soldier On. At times I might not be very successful but if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I am still making some kind of progress.

My brother has said to me a few times that it only hurts so much because Chris and I had it so damn good.  That is true. But Dear God I just wish You hadn't taken Chris quite so soon.  I don't know when would have been better though, maybe never.




*Karen and I are hilarious by the way, even if we are the only ones who think we are - well I used to be so I am sure it will come back to me :)

The last 13 weeks and two days

I imagine that a lot of you who have been logging on to see what has happened to the Great Adventurers are wondering, "Why has she gone silent?"  My dear on line friends, so much has happened in the last 13 weeks and 2 days that it would take more than a page to tell you. So this is a paraphrase of the events that unfolded.

As you know from the last few posts in January, Chris came home from Karratha with an acutely sore back.  When I went out to the airport to meet his flight, I was so excited to see him; we had a lot of catching up to do and I had a big list of jobs for him to complete :) 

However his back was troubling him so much that he could hardly walk straight. So bad that he could not even bear to lay down and had resorted to sleeping in a chair.  My poor darling just got worse instead of better despite rest and care.

It was a huge time for us, Christmas; Danika and Shaun, newly engaged, coming home from the Kimberley; Emily and Farooq here (with some wedding plans to finalise) and the last of arrangements to be made for Chris and I.

Well we pushed on and Chris put on a very brave face.  Now when I look back I am astounded at how very brave he was and the intestinal fortitude that he portrayed is so very like him.

So  after Doctors visits etc, we decided to keep going with our plans hoping that once we got to Karratha, his back would settle down - we were convinced that it was the result of a workplace injury, so we would deal with it there.  How wrong we were.

Over the weekend before we were to leave Chris' legs started to swell, quite badly.  I made an emergency appointment for the doctor. Chris had had blood tests taken the previous Thursday and after a lengthy discussion with the Doc and him at first looking at the wrong results - his face got grim and the whole tone of the visit changed when he finally looked at the correct results - showing a huge anomaly in the liver function tests. 

"You're not going anywhere," he said,  "Chris is very sick and we must get this sorted before you head off anywhere." My heart was already beating like a runaway train - I knew what was coming. 
"What are you thinking?" I said. "Malignancy or heart failure."  Chris said, "What is malignancy?"  "Cancer."  And then our world fell at our feet and my heart started to shatter.

My darling Chris, my beautiful husband, the centre of my world and the reason that I have been getting out of bed every morning was ill, seriously, seriously ill.

Monday 13th of January, D Day, turned out to be D Day for Disaster Day. Devastation Day. Darkest Day EVER!

By Wednesday we were sitting in the oncology specialists office and finding out just how grim and serious it was.  Spread lung cancer - lymph nodes, liver and bone.  

By Friday, Chris was starting to get dehydrated, his pain was unmanagable and he couldn't eat or drink due to hiccups and extreme indigestion. I had been getting up to him several times a night to re-position him and move the cushions that were supporting him.

At 6 a.m. on Friday, just four days after the initial diagnosis, I had no choice but to call the ambulance to take Chris to hospital. I cried and cried as I discussed it with him, but we both knew that there really was no option. He needed more care than I could give him.

As they loaded him into the ambulance, I hugged Danika and said "I am so scared that he will never come home again."  He didn't.

The speed with which he deteriorated was mind blowing.  The night before he passed away, I stayed at the hospital, just Chris and I.  We had lovely chats, I told him that everything I did in future, I would enjoy twice as much, once for him and once for me.
For dinner he had a baked custard with raspberries on the top and then for dessert he had jelly and ice cream - his staple for the last few days.  He did love his ice cream :)   I asked him if he had enjoyed his dinner and he said, "Beautiful!"  He always did delight in the simple things in life.

After his dinner, I settled him in his chair to watch TV; he kept saying "I will be better tomorrow; tomorrow I will be better. " Turns out he was right.

I kissed him several times, told him how much I loved him and what a wonderful husband he was.  As I  turned to walk out the door, he raised his hand and said, "Love you too." Those were the last words he said to me.

The next morning I went into the hospital really early and he was still sleeping.  I put up a message that said, 'Just sitting here watching my darling sleep' - actually I was watching him die, he was already unconscious. 

Just two weeks later after being moved to a palliation ward at the private hospital, Chris passed into the Hands of his Maker. 18 days from diagnosis to death.

The grief, pain and heart break of losing your best friend, lover, companion, confidante, champion, advisor and the person who loved me unconditionally for nearly 19 years is indescribable, so I wont even try.  There has been a lot to get used to.

I have lost many things - a good friend of 20 years standing; my sense of who I am (without Chris to balance me out, who am I?)  and at times the only reason to keep going was for our kids. 

My family have been amazing and without them I really don't think I could have coped at all. 

In the last few weeks, it has been our wedding anniversary and the wedding of our youngest daughter.  I nearly made myself sick with worry about how that day would unfold but you know what, it was a totally marvellous day. 

I am not sure when I will post again.  But for today, I think this is enough for you all to digest.

Thank you in advance for your support. xx