Cherished

Nearly twenty years ago, I met this extraordinarily ordinary man.  We had both come onto the scene with a fair amount of baggage and hurts.  There were no guarantees and no sure fire way to make a new relationship work or prosper. It was just suck it and see  and hope.

We were both tentative, OK so maybe I dived in head first, but he was tentative.  He didn't want to have his "arse kicked". (He had a way with words. yes?)

As the weeks went on and we could see the potential of a future, we had a few heart to hearts.

I asked my darling, which is what he most definitely was to become, "What do you want out of this relationship?"  He reeled off some of the things he was looking for - companionship, someone to love, someone to share things with, go out together etc.

He asked me what I wanted.

I said, "I only want one thing; I want to be cherished."  

He said,"What does that mean exactly?"  "Well you know, I want to be loved and held in high esteem. I want to be your number one." I wanted to be that highest prize, the be all and end all, the upper most in his devotion and care.  I knew what I wanted I just found it hard to put into words.

So I found the words.  I went to the dictionary and then I embroidered that definition in cross stitch as a reminder to us both for all time.

And so it was.  The benchmark for our lives together.  

This embroidery always hung by our bed and many many, nights I lay in bed and looked at this definition and thought of all the ways that Chris cherished me and showed that devotion and care. I was his treasure and he was mine.   

When Chris was working away, as he very often was, I would look at this word and think of the conversation that we had had so long ago.  

Well just the other night, I was laying in bed, looking up at that picture when I realised something. 

Cherish - take away the E and the H at the end and what does it spell?  CHRIS

And he lovingly fulfilled my request until the day he died.

Falling In Love

You know that this blog is an extension of one I started late last year when Chris and I were going to move to WA. At that time I wrote mainly about the move, the excitement of it; the planning and the expectations.

Back then I had a list of future posts that I kept in a blue book.  The blue book holds lots of secrets, budgets, reminders, places I want to visit and lists. The blog ideas list had numerous titles to do with marriage, falling in love, what makes a good life etc. For a lot of those blog ideas, the premise has changed now that I no longer have the love of my life right here with me.  He is still the greatest choice that I ever made but the sorrow overtakes the joys at the moment.

One of the blog ideas I had centred around a song line.  U2 have a song that has the line, " Can't fall any further in love with you than what we are now. This is not an ordinary love....."  along those words.

That was how I felt back in November about Chris.  He was away from me but only in another state. Now I still feel that way but he is away from me forever.  And before you say, yes but he is always in your heart,  I don't want that.  I want him right here beside me to talk to; to hold and to love; to make jokes with and to lie beside and stroke his face, kiss his lips and have him tell me its all going to be OK.

I wonder what it is that specifically makes us fall in love with one person so deeply and so completely?  That yearning, that longing just to see them, hear their voice and catch their smile?

When I met Chris, he was a very quiet person, well mannered and gentlemanly.  He wasn't loud or pushy. He just sat and waited. Chris was a man who was strong minded, truly loved people and was always thinking of what he could do to enhance the life of another. If there was a need, Chris would be trying to think of a solution or how he could help.  Chris was funny, helpful, hard working and compassionate.
He was slow to anger, generous and obstinate. He had kind lovely eyes and loved to laugh.

Which of these qualities did I fall in love with? Maybe it was the whole gorgeous little package.

And he loved children and they loved him too

I have seen my children and friends fall in love.  Of course the instances have been as different as the people involved.  I wonder what clinched the deal for them.

However it happens, falling in love and having that love generously given back is the greatest pleasure, the supreme gift from one to another. Chris told me that his love for me would never change so my dilemma now is, has it?  Does that love go on past the grave or do I just hold onto the memory of how great our love was.  My love for him goes on.  Every time I think of Chris my heart still feels that same love, the same yearning and longing.  I still could not love him anymore than what I do right now.  I still feel totally wedded to him but I no longer have my husband.

I guess this is all part of this awful existence that people now call my  "journey" *, coming to terms with how it all fits together now. Life and love will never be the same, but I do believe it will be good.  Just a  different type of good.  I just have to figure out what that looks like.

This probably all sounds a bit maudlin today but I am just thinking out loud. After all that what my blog is mostly about, isn't it?  Thinking out loud.

Have a good weekend everyone.  Feel free to leave a comment, I love to hear your thoughts out loud too :)


*Side bar - God I hate that term.  A journey to me has positive connotations - you know getting excited, packing, going on a plane, buying icecreams at half way mark - that kind of journey. This isn't a journey for me, it just is life now.  Trying to make the best of it and trying to get on with what I need to do to still be something like the old Kathy, is what it is now.

The Joy of Marriage

So it is Friday again, end of Week 14. Fourteen weeks, I cannot believe it.  It is true what everyone says, life does go on, amazing as that is. I think that I am glad that my life is still going on.  I would have missed out on a lot otherwise. Plus I have to experience everything twice, once for me and once for Chris.

The last few months have been jam packed; as full as a fat girls sock!

Emily and Farooq's wedding on April 5th was definately a high point.  A beautiful day filled with happy memories of family and friends being of one heart - all celebrating the beautiful love that can happen between two people.  A love that shuts out everyone else but embraces them all at the same time. A generous love that shares with other people the special joy of an intimate moment.

It is a love that only Emily and Farooq really appreciate and understand as they are the core of it, the drivers of that love and the nurturers of their union.

Emily and Farooq have their whole lives in front of them to wallow in the comforting bliss of knowing that there is one other person in the 6 billion others sucking in oxygen that share our earth, that truly, unconditionally have chosen to love the other.

It is very powerful stuff. 

The love between your lover and you eclipses all others because that love is a decision. Unlike your child, mother, brother, etc whom you love because you share DNA, your life partner is the biggest choice you ever make.

Next month, the gorgeous Danika and her equally beautiful Shaun, will also take this magical step and join together their lives in holy matrimony. Can a mothers heart get any fuller?

Danika and Shaun have a truly lovely story but that is hers to tell, but if you see her, ask her about their story, it will make you cry with joy - it was fate; a blessing that just had to be bestowed; written in stone thousands of years ago :)  I carry on a bit but you get the picture.

So this year, I have become both a widow and a mother in law.  Two of the biggest occurrences in one's life surely.  I thank God that the two new sons I have are both wonderful caring men, whom I know will hold my daughters' hands and hearts with the utmost of care and devotion. How can I not be comforted and happy in that ?