A Day in the Countryside

The Freedom to Roam

There are so many beautiful places to visit in this world and Australia really does offer more than it's fair share, in my humble opinion.

I have been on the road, and water, for a week now and the loveliness is inspiring.  I can see why the natural habitat has always inspired artists, both great and so so, but it also inspires me to just be more grateful.

Evening on the Murray River

I feel grateful for so many things not least that I can walk, see, hear, taste and smell the variety that a different area brings. My first stop was to make my way to Echuca to board a houseboat up the Murray River.  

This was one of Chris' Bucket List items so I was very pleased to be able to do it for him. As I said last week, these legs may not be the prettiest little legs you have seen, but they got me up that gangplank and onto the houseboat just fine. It was beautiful.

I am grateful that I have the freedom to travel where I want without censure or fear of retribution just because of who I am or what I believe in. 

I am grateful that I can drive - that affords me such a freedom that I am so thankful for.  I can stop whenever I want to and jump out to take a photo....like this just for the thrill of it all

On the roadside at Minyip

I am grateful for the kindness and consideration of others - fellow travellers, incidental folk met in cafes, service providers. A cup of tea, a hand with luggage or just a smile - they make the experience special. Being a solo traveller these little acts of kindness make me feel not so alone. 

I am grateful for the chance to see the artwork of the Silos Art Trail.  They are magnificent, awesome and thought provoking.  Started in 2016 and growing in popularity, these fine examples of Australian artwork invoke a feeling of belonging, not only for the population of these small dots of towns in western Victoria but also the passing traveller, who is reminded again of the importance of belonging.  It matters not how many people you belong to, it matters that the attachment is strong and unconditional.

The silos at Sheep Hills - stunning!

The majestic silos of Brim - the first ones completed in 2016

I was only able to get this photo of the old port at Echuca due to anothers thoughtfulness.  I felt very lucky.

I am grateful for the opportunity, the friendship that instigated this trip and the small things like beautiful weather while we were on the houseboat. 

It is said over and over again but with each year, it resonates more with me ~ It is the little things in life that really count.

Why Do I Write ?

This morning I read a very interesting article and I thought I would share with you some thoughts that I had about it.
The article can be seen in full here :

http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/education-uprising/ten-things-creative-people-know


"Cross-cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien tells us that in many traditional cultures, when an ill person goes to the healer, he or she is asked four questions: When did you stop singing? When did you stop dancing? When did you stop telling your story? When did you stop sitting in silence? She calls these the healing salves. Numerous studies show that activities like drawing and creative writing—even knitting—raise serotonin levels and decrease anxiety."

This is the paragraph that really danced in front of my eyes and then gave me a little slap on the head. It made me think about the way my life has been spilling over the last few weeks into a sadness that seems to hang onto me like Kate Winslet to the bedhead in the ocean.  Those little tear drops that are always just at the corner of my eyes. Even though at times I feel happiness, I also feel sadness that Chris cannot join me in the happy things.

Those four questions are so apt - not just to me but to us all.  When did you stop singing in the car because you are too busy worrying about what you need to do as soon as you get in the door;  how often do you sit in silence and just let your mind wander freely over daydreams or memories; why don't you dance at the kitchen sink anymore while the music plays and you do the dishes?

Pre-January 2014. I used to do these things a lot. I always used to sing in the car, the sewing room, the garden, at the sink; dance along to tunes while doing housework or the ironing  (sit-dance in the car, this involves a lot of hand and arm action!).

I am not doing them now and if I do sit in silence it is because I am in sorrow, not delightful contemplation about my next holiday or outing.

However, I do tell my story.  That's what I am able to do here.  My writing gives me a voice that I can use however I want to say whatever I want.  I don't have to worry about seeing a disapproving glance or a raised eyebrow or even an unholy heaven ward eye roll. I can just sit here and tap away and put all the thoughts that are chasing each other in my head, into a single neat little black line. One letter at a time. It's good, isn't it!

No one even has to read it to make me feel better but the great thing is, if they do and say something to me, then the blessing is magnified, many times.

I often told Chris that I hated to be ignored, so writing on a blog is great for me. The being ignored thing is something about being the youngest of six children, I think. By the time you get down the line that far, there's not a whole lot of energy left for child No. 6*. Not when you have a mother working and a Dad out earning a buck 7 days a week. So maybe, writing is a great way to say all those things that I would be unprepared to say face to face. I don't have to worry about burdening them with more information than they can handle either.  The reader can always just shut the lid, pull the plug, unsubscribe. 

I love the way the writer of the article above described these four points:

•           singing
•           sitting in silence
•           dancing
• and    telling your story            as healing salves

Doesn't sound calming?  We all need some kind of healing - we all suffer a hurt or a disappointment.  It's not just about me and my loss.  It's all of us who need a healing salve from time to time. 

Thriving When We Feel Supported is a by product of writing the blog. When I get supportive or encouraging feedback, I feel as though I have my own little band of cheering girls, egging me on and giving me the strength to just keep trying.  Trying is easy if I know that there is a friend out there who doesn't care if I face plant. They still love me, filthy faced or clean cheeked and that is a gift that no amount of money or fake concern can replicate.

And Knitting  - who could not be cheered, relaxed, soothed and calmed when they have a little pile of wool in their laps and two sharp objects criss-crossing, being used for the beautiful purpose of making something. And then giving it away - I love giving my hand mades away.  Whether they get used again, who knows. But the joy I have in making them is only surpassed in the joy of giving it to someone I love. 

Knitting decreases anxiety and releases seretonin; puts a smile on the receivers face (even if it is just a "Oh My God, she expects me to wear this" or worse  "She expects me to put this on my beautiful child!" type smile).  It doesn't matter, the job has been done! I am relaxed, my anxiety has decreased and my serotonin levels are increased. I have written my few paragraphs and I am at peace ......for awhile LOL!



* This is just my perception, not a slur against large families 

So Many Questions

Do you remember that line out of pretty woman. The one where Julia Roberts is made to feel bad because the ladies in the shop wont serve her.  Then her friend says that she is a great gal and deserves good stuff.  Julia replies with a line something like "have you ever noticed that the bad stuff people say to you is easier to believe than the good things."

It is a generalization I know, but the bad things that we tell ourselves and that others reinforce in us from time to time with their snide little remarks, stay in our head longer than the compliments that we are given.

We remember the negative with such greater clarity and the pain of those negative, hurtful remarks takes a lot longer to get over if they hit a nerve that we have already been picking at ourselves.

A lot of people say "I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me".  I have never truly met a person like that.  Most of the people I know, do give a shit.  Isn't it innate in us to want to be liked and approved of ?  All that supposition that no man is an island and we all need to be loved and give love back must be proven somehow in the relationships we seek and those that we already have that we build on.

Funny things us humans, aren't we?  I am not saying that I have any insight into the answers of why or how, but I guess having lost the love of my life, (which is an oft stated remark) has made me wonder if this is the end of that special love we shared.  How does that love go on without the oxygen of attention and care from one half of the equation.  How do I feel that love when Chris isn't here?

People say that he is in my heart. Is that the memories and thoughts that I have about him?  Is that how I know that Chris' love for me lives on even though he had died?  We didn't have children together, so it can't live on in them.  Chris wrote me a letter that said he loved me with all his heart and that would never change but it has, hasn't it. That love just isn't the same anymore because Chris is not here. So do I hold onto the love that we shared when he was alive?

I just cant get my head around it all. It is a concept that I have really been struggling with - I guess you can tell.   Maybe as I make my way through months and a couple of years. I will be able to understand more how the feeling of love manifests long after the person has gone.

I know that Chris loved me, he loved me so very much and he displayed that love to all, especially to me. He loved me probably a lot more than I deserved (see there's that negative thought pattern again, so much easier than saying I am absolutely adorable and deserve to be loved by such a wonderful man as Chris) and I know that he knew how much I loved him while he was alive. But there is the difference, I still love him now cos I am still alive. I know I still love him, I think about him every minute and everything I see, do, think of, remember - it all reminds me of Chris.

And I miss him terribly, so much that it actually does hurt sometimes.

So do I just hold onto the memory of how much he loved me or do I believe that no matter where he is, he is still loving me?  See, I just cannot get my mind to circle around the concept of love after death and come to any sort of understanding.

Is it the negative thoughts or is it the grief that just will not allow me to grasp it all, it is too overwhelming. Or is it a lack of faith?  Too many questions, too many open ended sentences that make no sense, too many instances that I wish Chris was here to ask him the answers. Maybe if I concentrate really hard, he will tell me the answers again.

None of this makes sense, I know but sometimes it helps to get the ramblings out of my head and onto the page.

Different Life, Different Title

I have been overwhelmed at the number of page views that my old blog, "From Tassie to Karratha" generated over the past couple of months. Maybe it was the same ten people checking in to see if I had updated with a new post! Whatever the case was, confusion ensued as to whether or not I had in fact still left for Karratha, without Chris.

Well, no, I haven't.  Those plans were for Chris and I; those plans involved and centred around Chris' new job.  I still had my position here at the hospital. I was just on Long Service Leave at the time Chris was diagnosed. My home is here, two thirds of my kids are here and my friends are scattered all over the place :) Something had to stay familiar and soothing, right?

So the need for a name change became more evident to me over the last few weeks.  So this is it.

From Now On

Seems appropriate, don't you think?

When I was writing the old blog, I had so many ideas of things I wanted to tell you. I thought they were interesting, I hope that you will too, when I finally get around to writing them down. there will also be new situations that come up that I will share my thoughts with you about.  Being sad, lonely, scared, grateful, appreciative, happy, all the memories of Chris.

So here we go.  The person is still the same person but the context and situation has drastically changed.  I can't promise that there won't be days when I will be maudlin, but I will endeavour to keep those to a minimum. The "journey" ahead will be alien to a lot of you, it is to me as well.  I just hope that by giving you an insight into what happens to an ordinary 52 year old woman who suddenly becomes a widow, will help you to understand either a bit about yourself or someone that crosses your path - be it by chance, in passing or one of your own loved ones.  That won't be all I write about though, so don't be put off thinking it will just be tears and chest beating.

Feel free to join in and leave comments - but I warn you, I will delete any that upset me - after all it's my blog and I will cry if I want to :) But only if I want to.

Soldiering On

Another month, another week, another day, another hour, all without Chris.

How it works; how I keep going?  I do not know.  People said to me when Chris died, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Well you know, I am not one for cliches - I hate those droll lines that we drag out when we can't possibly think of what else to say - sometimes it is better to say nothing. And to say so, "I don't know what to say, so I will just stand here, look you in the eye and say, 'I'm sorry."

However one of those cliches that did get aired a lot was "One day at a time, or Just keep putting one foot in front of the other".  These two have actually proved very helpful, if not a bit repetitive.
You know what, some days that is ALL I can do.  Other times I bounce through the day and even truly smile, a real smile that comes from happiness (or Karen saying something funny.*)

The other day one of the doctors came into the office and said "Oh it's lovely to see your happy smile again!"  I said, "Well not really happy, T...." he said, "Well in your heart you're happy."  
What the!!! is he for shizzle?  Shows how little people actually comprehend or take notice of whats going on.  A smile can be a mask and only your true friends know the difference.
That's OK though, I guess, 100% of the people you come into contact with cant be expected to be on cue and in tune like your mates are.  Unreasonable is what that would be. 


I understand that folk want me to be happy, they want me to be smiling and they want things to go back to the comfortable norm that they liked, however as much as I try to be that way, for others as well as for myself  - God knows that would be so much easier - it's can't always be sunny and bright - I can't always be sunny and bright.

Thank God that I have a dozen or so really good friends and family right at my fingertips and another dozen or so on Good Old Facey, that embrace me no matter what my face looks like; smiling or crying. They still stand straight and true and that gift is one that I cannot put words to or show how grateful I am. 

There is an old saying, A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed
You know as a youngen, I never really understood that message, that is I literally didn't know what it meant. My goodness,  do now. 

I am so thankful for so many things. I am grateful that we never got on that boat; I am grateful that Danika and Shaun moved back to Launceston when they did; I thank God each day for my wonderful family;  I am grateful for the beautiful day we had for the wedding; I am grateful for the love that comes to me just when I need it from at times very unexpected corners.

I am grateful, eternally so, for the wonderful man that shared my life for nearly 19 years, who loved me so much that he never wanted me to change one thing about myself and I am grateful that he let me love him with a fierce, crazy, determined, wonderful love that left him in no doubt how cherished he was and I knew how much he loved me back. 

I spent ANZAC Day in Canberra with Emily and Farooq. Farooq marched in the ANZAC Day parade and I was so proud of him. I watched with amazement as those old fellas marched on, some with sticks or canes, others in the back of jeeps - still proud, still soldiering on. Is it an art form or can anybody learn how to do it. Soldier on , I mean. What they went through and what hundreds and hundreds of wives,lovers, mothers, aunts, uncles etc etc went through when so many thousands of young men didn't come home. 

I am only one, I know, but to me Chris was my whole world. He was my axis, my true love who didn't have to love me, he chose to love me. He chose to live and share his life with me, unconditionally. And he never held back, he was generous, giving and so supportive in all my endeavours.

So to honour Chris and to keep our agreement, I will Soldier On. At times I might not be very successful but if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I am still making some kind of progress.

My brother has said to me a few times that it only hurts so much because Chris and I had it so damn good.  That is true. But Dear God I just wish You hadn't taken Chris quite so soon.  I don't know when would have been better though, maybe never.




*Karen and I are hilarious by the way, even if we are the only ones who think we are - well I used to be so I am sure it will come back to me :)

Frozen

and No, I am not talking about the weather in Tassie at the moment but I could be.

The weather is appalling here, raining, cold, windy  - real winter stuff.  However we have just been to the cinema to watch the animated movie, "Frozen" and it was fantastic and funny. 

It is the story of true love based on the Hans Christian Anderson fable of the Ice Queen.  The pivot of the tale though is not true love between a princess and a prince but between two sisters. I went to see it with my two daughters and my SIL. 

Yes we are all adults but the movie was so worth it, we laughed an awful lot through it as well a few tugs on the heart strings. 

I wont spoil it for you, but I really so recommend you go see it.  This rainy, cold afternoon was the perfect opportunity for a nice relaxing few hours in a darkened room with comfy chairs, a big screen plus a box of popcorn :) 

At one particular moment when all the main characters were standing around looking forlorn and worried, one little person on the other side of the cinema wanted to know, "What's Sven doing?"  Sven is the reindeer!! LOL

As always there is the fall guy who gets all the funny lines - think the butler Niles is The Nanny, he got all the best gag lines and most of them were MA rated. In this movie it is Olaf the snow man who has all the insight as well as all the punch lines and cute awww moments. 

The other stand out supporting role is the aforementioned Sven the reindeer, he's the good back up guy!

So while you wait for Philomena or The Railway Man, go see Frozen - I can pretty much guarantee you will love it. 

Little Yellow Gumboots

In amongst all the packing, cleaning up, chucking out etc, I came across this photo of Lilly (AKA Daughter E) again.  A few of you would remember when this photo was taken.  It was not long after the childrens' father and I went in different directions.  The children and I moved to a little house in Bird Street, Burnie, not far from their school. Lil was only about 4 in this photo.  I reckon they are actually her sisters boots :)

I am not entirely sure what the occasion was that prompted this photo, it may have been that she just looked so darned cute in those yellow gumboots.  It may have been her 4th birthday photo. A new Care Bear perhaps? 

We had some great times in that little house; we also had some heart breakers.

What I also remember so well from those months, was the beautiful support that my elder sister, Julie, was to me. At times I was quite overwhelmed with what "singlemotherhood" brought with it on a daily basis. For a 30 year old with three children under 10, at times the circumstances were daunting, scary, lonely and downright unfair - but as I have always said to the kids, "Life is unfair, get used to it!" So practice what you preach is the next cliche that springs to mind :) Buckle up and get down to it.

Julie would often call and say "Kathryn, what are you doing?" And so off we would go on some little jaunt.  One morning we had organised to go nursery shopping, (as in garden variety, not baby variety)  and I dropped Emily off to kindergarten with Danika. When Julie and I returned at lunch time to pick up Emily, the teacher informed me that actually there was no kinder that morning as they had had an excursion earlier in the week and so Emily was in fact the only kid in kinder that morning!  Ooops - she had spent the morning with her big sister in Grade 2! Quite happily apparently.

That sort of common sense, empathic response would not occur now - they would report you to Welfare and put the kid straight into foster care. Okay slight exaggeration but after I got over the enormous embarrassment, and the funny side was realised, I also appreciated the fact that Mrs French could see what sort of emotionally fragile state I was in and a mistake like this was overlooked as a normal stress response, not a "losing her mind" type response. 

Back to the daily grind at present, I have nearly finished all the packing, maybe one box of bits and bobs to go and then the suit cases with clothes etc to take on the boat/plane.

Chris' bad back still prevents him from doing anything much, although we have been to the pool the last two days (finally got him there!) and he thinks it is helping - thank you God!
Even though we have a decent size house, with 7 adults, three dogs and a cat, it is pushed to the seams a bit at the moment - but that's OK, soon we will be two adults and 1 cat less (unfortunately, but they need to go back to Sydney and get themselves ready to move States as well). That will make one of the dogs happier anyway. LOL!

I am to the stage now, where I just want to go. All the planning, preparations, plan changing and frustrations are wearing thin. It seems like we have been on this treadmill of moving for so long and my brain is stuck on rewind a bit.  What to do, what to pack, what to organise, etc etc. So many things to remember!

But then if I look back at the photo of the cutest little girl in her yellow gumboots, clutching her Care Bear in a blue suede dress, then I can remember that we have been through challenging times before and with a fair amount of humour and family love, we got through it then and we will again.

Battling Back Pain

Over the last few days. Chris' back problems have been exacerbated, so much so that he now has three problems areas instead of just the lower back one.  This has been caused by holding his back too stiffly to try to lessen the impact.  Unfortunately the strain of holding himself upright has caused muscle spasms further up his back  and into his shoulders. 

So after three nights of sleeping upright on the sofa and sick to death of being in so much pain, we are off to the doctor again today. Please God may we get some relief for him.

The house is an absolute tip and nightmare! LOL - there is stuff everywhere as Danika unpacks and we pack to make room for her things.  It is a manoeuvre of mammoth proportions as we change beds, move rooms and try to do all this while making sure that we get Chris as comfortable as possible and plan an engagement party.

Danika says in a few years we will look back on this and laugh! I reckon it wont take that long, maybe next week :)

The three ladies in the house have all at some time succumbed to the emotions of it all, which was probably inevitable given the circumstances and what we all have just behind us and just in front us to contend with. 

It is all coming together nicely though, yesterday was the worst as we changed the beds over and that involved taking apart and moving three queen sized beds and taking two big chest of drawers down stairs.  Thank God again for Jonathan, moving that about. 

I slept on Danika and Shaun's bed (which was wonderfully comfortable); Emily and Farooq slept on our bed; Chris slept on the sofa; and Danika and Shaun slept in the sewing room.  Jonathan is the only one who slept in his own bed in his own room ! LOL musical beds :)

Today is another lovely sunny day which bodes well for tonight with the engagement celebrations. It will be a lovely time to catch up with friends and family members who are in from interstate. 

More about that tomorrow....or the next day :)