A Momentus Birthday

My Cup Runneth Over 

I think I have said before about a song my Mother used to sing all the time when I was a little girl.  It was sung by the man who played Gomer Pyle ~ Jim Nabors.  He had the most melodic voice and so strong. And boy could he hold a note!  That song not only reminds me of my darling Mum but also gives me a nudge to recall how full my cup is of Love.

Look at that cheeky lop sided grin

Mum used to hum this song and sing it when she was wandering about the house doing Mum things.  I loved it and it obviously had a  huge affect on my small self because I still sing it, I used to sing it to Chris and I say it all the time - my cup aint half full, it aint half empty ~ it is brimmming over the top.  Clearly it has become a mantra for me because this was a birthday gift from my sister...

This year  my birthday was an extra special occassion for a couple of reasons:

•                 my first as an unemployed person for about 40 years
•                 Christine, Peter and Alan were here to share it with me
•              I officially began life as a SFR (self funded retiree)
•              my fifth as a widow

And in keeping with the theme of Blessings, this year I felt much more content with notching up another year on my own.  I was thinking about past years this morning and recalling cringe worthy moments.  You know those times when you REALLY wish you could turn back the clock and not say that thing, not push that button, just let the sleeping dog snooze on.  But because we are humans ergo not perfect, there is always something we could have done better.

With the addition of years comes the substraction of giving away those precious fucks.  I am finally, finally, realising that I dont have to give my all to people who dont give me anything; I dont have to look like Meg Ryan just because we are the same age ~ (I am more your Susan Boyle type lady ) and I only have to live up to my expectations and trust me, they are tough enough.

 My legs may not be long, slim and tidy but the places these short, fat legs have taken me have been amazing.

These little legs have climbed up the Great Wall, wandered around Pompeii, walked for miles around fascinating places,  skipped down the Champs Elysees (well skipping is a stretch), waltzed around the dance floor and held me up when I thought I could only crawl. 

These arms with generous fadoobidas have held my Love, cradled precious babies, soothed my darlings, greeted loved ones with big squishy hugs, swum in the Mediterranean; cleaned, cooked, washed, typed, gardened, dug, sewed and knitted and still worked just fine regardless of what they look like. 

For too many years, I have believed the stuff that other people projected about me about not being good enough or was that just my own self projecting what I thought they thought.... I dont know and that's  a bit hard to tease out this morning.  Time is short, lots to do. 

Anyway...this year its about being thankful for what I have.  I am so lucky to have the beautiful family I have, lovely dear friends who do actually care about me, a dear little house, good health, freedom to do what I like, freedom to go where I want to go and a sense of contentment that reminds me life is amazing and it is all about the small stuff.  

2016 - Looking Back with Joy

Travel, More Loss and a baby!

So after the huge year that was 2014, a year of re-adjustment and re-consideration of how to be in 2015, I thought 2016 was going to be easier! Huh - what is easier?? Is there any such thing as easy or is there just something that is our life. 

It can be hard no doubt at all but is it ever easy or just more enjoyable than the hard times?

My take is that life is not easy, not meant to be easy because that infers that we are not trying,  just cruising through it. Each day we should try to be our best, do our best, to get the best out of each day and if that looks like less than yesterdays best, well the main thing is to enjoy it for what it is. Some days it might look like mine - still in PJs at 2 p.m. Huh! what do I care, I'm still having a great day. 

It is a definite choice in life to search out the Happy, "Find the Treasure every day, Kathy" darling Louise used to tell me. And it is there even if it is just a divine cup of tea; made just right, drunk at just the right temperature and savoured from a lovely cup.

And to say that life is easy kind of diminishes the potency of life. 
To say one had an easy life takes the power out of every other life that may or may not draw from the same kind of status, monetary comfort or physical robustness. Is Miranda Kerr, in all of her seemingly ease of life, any happier than you, me or Meghan Markle?  Even MM has her troubles 
#awkwardfather

Life can and is at times so wonderful though you think "What have I ever done to deserve this kind of happiness?"  I have certainly had those times, yes when Chris was alive and we were so in love with each other and happy, but I can tell you that I have also had them since. Something that I thought would never be possible again but it is,it can be ~ it's just different.

2016 brought another beautiful time into my life - the time I became a Momo again to another gorgeous male child.

The joy in holding that dear little baby was beyond...beyond happiness.  How can such a tiny little scrap make your heart burst?  I dont know.

Morrison Christopher was born in January, kicking the year off to a fabulous start. Morrison was such a blessing not only for his fother and Father but also to so many relatives and friends. We had been waiting, hoping, praying that he would finally make into the world and when he did it was joyous.

Three Gorgeous little cousins enjoying morning tea

I travelled again in 2016 and while at times this was challenging for a myriad of reasons, I did experience great joy and happiness on those travels. 

One instance was when I returned to the hotel at Marble Arch in London where Chris I stayed in Oct 2013.  When we were there the city experienced a severe cold snap so we bought Chris a big, warm coat with a furry hood.

As we packed to return to Australia, I wondered what we might do with the coat (too big to fit in our cases).  Chris thought he might offer it to the beautiful doorman Michael, who had always been ready with a cheery smile, a "Good Morning" and a bit of a yarn before we set out for the day's adventure. 

I wonder if you can imagine my joy, when I returned over two years later and Michael was still there. He remembered Chris, still had the coat, still wore the coat and was genuinely sad when I told him my Darling was no longer by my side. 

The joy came as I thought, even though he is gone from me, his kindness and love for others lives on.  In that coat, in his legacy to look after his family and in his beautiful way of living for others. See, what did I do to deserve that man? 

2016 also brought more loss. The passing of my dear Dad. That in itself deserves it's own story but the essence of this one is to say that no matter what it looks like, Life can be joyous even when it is not easy.  The past four and half years have not been easy at all but by gosh they have also been full of love, comfort, friendship, beautiful family times and joy. 

Back to Happy

 Where have I been?  What have I seen?  Who have I met? Who have I lost?

Three years since I have sat at this seat in front of the laptop and typed on this platform.  To say that life got in that way is the biggest understatement and I wont try to fill you in with all that has surpassed but needless to say I have been busy! 

Returning from the South Pacific, docking at dawn in Sydney

The most intriguing, surprising and challenging occurrance was my retirement from fulltime paid employment in Deccember 2017.  I had thought I would retire at 60 and be very happy with that but a series of chance remarks, meetings and interventions  gave me the option to retire at 56. 

Next week sees a momentus time in my life...I turn 57! Why momentus - because I can access my superannuation thereby giving me a new source of income.  Sleepless nights, nervous tummies, hand wringing and more conversations than my friends and families  deserve have finally brought me to this position. How blessed am I ~ I know that Lady Luck, God in all his wisdom and fate have all been kind.

Travel, spending precious time with my grandsons, who are adorable, and learning how to be a single retired lady are high on the agenda for the next few months.  Hopefully over the next few weeks I will be able to share with you some of my next advernture:  Next week I am putting my car on the Bass Strait ferry and travelling around Victoria before I head up to Canberra to see my daughter and grandson (SIL will be on training in QLD).
                                              
                                              Oh The Places I Will Go !

Cruising the Pacific - warm swims in beautiful oceans

Life still puzzles me, enthralls me and brings me to my knees - with wonder, amazement and despair.  I am still learning how to be a sucessful widow, a dedicated Mum and Momo, a good friend and a supportive sister.  It is an ongoing work, artform, dedication that I hope will last me to my last black of Lindt chocolate.  So many adventures to go, I hope that I can document them and you can come along with me through the words and pictures. 

Flowers from a friend - the best kind

A Long Time Coming

It has been so long since I wrote on here that I have nearly forgotten how.
So much has happened already this year.  2015 has been very busy.

In February, my sister and I went to Hawaii, that was beautiful.  We had a great time, swimming in the sea, shopping, swimming.  Coming home was horrible because I knew that Chris would not be waiting for me with open arms. I wont ever get used to that. 

When I got home, I found a house that I thought I would like to live in.
I have been mulling over the probabilities of moving one day.  The house that Chris and I lived in for nearly 10 years was too big and too much maintenance for me plus we have stairs.  Stairs and fibromyalgia just don't mix. Funny that!

I had some tenants in the new house for a few months before they changed their minds about living in Tassie and went back to WA. So that pushed all my well laid plans up a few months. 
My house had to go on the market and lots of planning, lists and sorting had to be done....again! Didn't I just do all this 18 months ago?  Oh well, onwards we head. I'm sure it will all work out in the end because I truly believe this is the best thing for me. 

The second year of widowhood is something that I cannot even find the words to describe. If the first year is fast and furious with grief and shock  then the second year is slow and crippling with the realisation that this is it.  This is my life now and I don't really go much for it. 

Every day I still want Chris back and every day the realisation that that will never happen seeps a little more into my soul. 

There is no quick fix and there is no salve for the hurt and the yearning just to see him and hold him again.  I still wonder what, how, when this new life, that I never asked for, will become more bearable. Little by little, I guess.

It has not been all doom and gloom though.  There are definitely joys along the way. Emily and Farooq's baby boy is doing beautifully and growing more gorgeous every day. I know all grandmothers think that, but truly, he is the Worlds Most Beautiful Baby. I have been up to see them and will go again before Christmas.

And we have another BB coming to join our family early in 2016 - so blessed

My brother moved back to Tassie, which was lovely to have him here close by; my son moved into his own home and he is still close by; one step son moved back North of the State and the other moved to Queensland;  poor old Dad took sick with pneumonia and is becoming an old man in front of our eyes but he still is the centre of the family and has been such a wonderful support to me;  my sister had a health crisis and my other sisters daughter had a health crisis; our little dog went to join all those loved pets in Heaven.  

A mixed bag really - but that is the case with us all, isn't it?

And friends - friends both in person and on line have been fantastic.  I could not cope without them.

Hello New Year

I imagine that there are quite a few of you out there, like me, shaking your head and thinking, "WHAT? 2015 already. Can't be!"
I find it hard to believe that nearly 11 months have passed and I am still functioning on some kind of normal level and that I have not completely sunk underground, under water, under the weight of the all consuming grief of losing Chris.

I have kept a journal this year and it has been mostly to do with dealing with the death of my husband, Chris. The journal has certainly changed over the last few months, a new pattern is emerging.  I no longer write in it every day but when I do, it ususally a couple of pages rather than a few paragraphs.  Which is surprising because I have not written on this blog for a long time. My focus is changing.

That, I think, is a good thing.

It will very soon be the first anniversary of Chris' death.  I am facing this with trepidation. The very thought of it makes me feel all sick and yucky in the tummy. I can't bear the thought of another year without him.  But bear it I must.

My daughter told me a great thing once, "If you can't get out of it; get into it." So with that in mind, I had better start making some plans for getting into 2015. The little list above, I thought, was a good place to start.

I reckon I can break one bad habit, but I have a few so not quite sure which one is the greater of the evils - LOL!  Forsaking perfection may be a little more difficult but I am also willing to give that a try :)

As I look forward, the future scares me but my other wise daughter (I have two wise daughters)  told me, "You dont have to do it all at once, just a day at a time." I know this of course but my goodness, I do need a lot of reminding.  I'm a little slow on the uptake some times.

That Rachel Taylor is a very wise young woman too. She said you need three things to be happy
                  1. Someone to love.....well I have those - thank you beautiful family and friends
                  2. Something to do....hello work and play
                  3. Something to look forward to......holiday in Hawaii in February with lovely sister :)

I am going to try with all my might to go into 2015, smiling and laughing, just like Chris told me to do - cos I know he will be watching :)

Happy New Year, my beautiful, encouraging friends, may God bless you all with good health and plenty of smiles and laugh out loud moments spent with loved ones. Quiet reflective times are good too.

Cherished

Nearly twenty years ago, I met this extraordinarily ordinary man.  We had both come onto the scene with a fair amount of baggage and hurts.  There were no guarantees and no sure fire way to make a new relationship work or prosper. It was just suck it and see  and hope.

We were both tentative, OK so maybe I dived in head first, but he was tentative.  He didn't want to have his "arse kicked". (He had a way with words. yes?)

As the weeks went on and we could see the potential of a future, we had a few heart to hearts.

I asked my darling, which is what he most definitely was to become, "What do you want out of this relationship?"  He reeled off some of the things he was looking for - companionship, someone to love, someone to share things with, go out together etc.

He asked me what I wanted.

I said, "I only want one thing; I want to be cherished."  

He said,"What does that mean exactly?"  "Well you know, I want to be loved and held in high esteem. I want to be your number one." I wanted to be that highest prize, the be all and end all, the upper most in his devotion and care.  I knew what I wanted I just found it hard to put into words.

So I found the words.  I went to the dictionary and then I embroidered that definition in cross stitch as a reminder to us both for all time.

And so it was.  The benchmark for our lives together.  

This embroidery always hung by our bed and many many, nights I lay in bed and looked at this definition and thought of all the ways that Chris cherished me and showed that devotion and care. I was his treasure and he was mine.   

When Chris was working away, as he very often was, I would look at this word and think of the conversation that we had had so long ago.  

Well just the other night, I was laying in bed, looking up at that picture when I realised something. 

Cherish - take away the E and the H at the end and what does it spell?  CHRIS

And he lovingly fulfilled my request until the day he died.

My Favourite Month

Being a fairly traditional kind of person, I am also fairly predictable. So no surprises that September is my favourite month  - it is my birthday month.

Normally I look forward to my birthday with a child like anticipation of being spoilt and having a fuss made.  This year I just wanted the day to come and quickly go.  I wasn't looking forward to it, I was dreading it - just like I have dreaded many of the Special Days of the calendar this year.

The last few months have been a bit horrid.  After keeping it all together for the weddings and getting through Chris' birthday, July arrived with a great crashing thud followed on by a glum and sorry August.

This was exacerbated by the fact that I contracted the dratted flu and was very sick for about three weeks; add into the mixing pot, dreary winter days, final tax returns for my beloved and a long drawn out renovation that should have taken three weeks max. and took just under seven!! (That's a whole post ion its own, everything went wrong with wrong baths, vanities made wrong and damaged shelf units....oh dear!)

So you can see, I had a bit going on.  Anyway, like my sister keeps telling me - this too shall pass and it did.  Even though I don't like her telling me that.

So my birthday ....turns out it was going to be worse than I had imagined. I received a phone call telling me the news that a very dear friend of ours had passed away on my birthday.  Dear kind Terry, adored husband of Sue, what a lovely man he was.  Terry had been battling cancer for six years and had always shown remarkable strength, unwavering love and devotion to his wife.

Terry had resilience and guts that I admired immensely.  He was a true gentleman, not smug and seeking his own grandification, just a true honest friend.  Sue and Terry welcomed Chris with open arms over 11 years ago when we moved to Launceston to start a new job. They proved to be loving reliable companions, whom we both loved.

My heart broke again when Sue told me of Terry's passing because I knew what lay ahead for her.

I just hope that Terry and Chris have found each other in Heaven and are swapping yarns, reliving old Glory Days and looking down on Sue and I with careful, loving eyes. I'm sure they support us still and send us both strength.

And now September, lovely Spring September.  The days are longer, Chris' beautiful daffs are coming out and there is a general feeling of renewal in the air.

I feel calmer and somehow a bit stronger.  I feel brighter about the future, not so scared and not so daunted.

Maybe my cup has been re-filled.  Maybe my Darling and God are getting their heads together and sending hope and love and inspiration.

Maybe I have found the road that is  a little bit wider, a little bit less steep, a little bit more picturesque; maybe it's because it's Spring!

Whatever the reason, I will take it and  hold it very close cos I don't want it to rewind.