Another Year - 2020

I have some thoughts that I want to get down.  No particular order but thoughts that have been running around in my head for a few months, well the last six years probably. I guess they need to get out of my head as another anniversary is within days. The person who I most wish to say all this to is not able to hear or respond.

Six years. Six years since my darling drew his last breath and left me alone to gather up the threads of life and go on without him. Those days from December 2013 to January 2014 are instilled in my mind like a red hot poker to my side.  I cannot rid my mind of the visceral images, smells, thoughts and memories that live in my head like a throbbing sore tooth. Always there, always reminding me of its presence. 

Rarely have I asked myself why Chris; there is no comfort in that - rain falls on us all. I have though at times uttered the words, "Why then? Why now? Why not a little longer?" The hopes and dreams all quashed never to be realised. Going alone with out his help and guidance.
The space that is left all around me by Chris' absence is profoundly tangible.  I can feel the emptiness; I can feel his moustache on my lip sometimes and I can feel his love still but I cannot reach out and feel him.

Even though I am so blessed to have family and friends who include and care for me, I am still alone and this is often really confronting to deal with and accept. I am not very often lonely as I enjoy solitude and if I dont, I can always get busy in some activity. The reality of going through life alone, without your best friend, lover and confidante, is extremely hard. Going to family gatherings solo, trying to find someone to accompany you on outings; being in a room of couples and the seat beside you is empty....

I often say that Chris made everything better - he made the hard times better and he made the good times more enjoyable.  Not having him to share life with is at times just so sad. This is not a cry for pity but it is the way I feel and it is the way my life is now. 

So much has happened in six years - as it does in everyone's life.  I am not in that boat alone. I have welcomed dear little boys into my arms and heart and had the joy of spending beautiful hours with them.  The joy they bring has been immeasurable. With another on the way, my cup runneth over. I have also welcomed new family members - I have been a guest of honour at three weddings - all my children have married in the last six years! More joy to my world.

I retired from full time work and now just work when and if I want to. what a beautiful luxury at 56 to be able to retire.

I have travelled many times; seen iconic world attractions, been to museums and historic buildings that I once only dreamed of ever being able to see. The list is too long to go through here - and that blows my mind.  For a little girl from Wynyard,Tasmania, at the bottom of the earth to see such things!! Who would have ever thought??

Our family has endured more losses, grieved more for those who passed away; we have collectively had personal losses, personal joys, personal health issues and yet we are still here -maybe not in the same formation as previously but getting on with the business of living. As best we can.

I know I am still luckier than the largest percentage of the population with all I have - a dear loving family, a home, dear friends who love and care, an income, an ability to please myself with choices about how and what I will do to fill my days. So much to be grateful for, thankful for and to cherish. As I have said before on this blog - my darling Aunt Thelma gave me the best advice - "Build yourself a happy life, Kathy" - and you know what, I think I have.

I think the horrific bush fires have caused much introspection for many folk and I am not quarantined from this either.  Chris and his family lost everything in the 1967 bush fires in Southern Tasmania and he retold me stories that were frightening to listen to, let alone live through first hand.  I think of him every time I hear a news report regarding the onslaught of the fires and their outrageous destruction. This gets me pondering about the individuals in the stories - the thousands effected and the lasting traumas that will play out for years to come.  The effect is staggering. I pray to God it is over soon and they can start recovering their lives.

On a side note - There has been much politicising of the ravaging fires and lots of finger pointing; lots of laying of blame and point scoring. What is the good of that? Social media can be fun, useful for information and good to catch up with distant friends and family.  However the epidemic of bullying, faceless trolling and nasty, hurtful comments about people that you will never meet, well that just does my head in. Just keep scrolling, you dont have to stop and empty your anger, resentment and jealousy onto those you disagree with. Just stop it. Lets just work together to help, build each other up and encourage one another to live our best lives.

So 2020 has begun.  There are days to look forward to; days to relish with all the enthusiasm that one can muster and days that undoubtedly will be tough, hard to cope with. Births and birthdays to wallow in, cake to eat, candles to blow out; Anniversaries to celebrate, others to mourn.  But always the gift of love, in its many forms, to be thankful for.

A Day in the Countryside

The Freedom to Roam

There are so many beautiful places to visit in this world and Australia really does offer more than it's fair share, in my humble opinion.

I have been on the road, and water, for a week now and the loveliness is inspiring.  I can see why the natural habitat has always inspired artists, both great and so so, but it also inspires me to just be more grateful.

Evening on the Murray River

I feel grateful for so many things not least that I can walk, see, hear, taste and smell the variety that a different area brings. My first stop was to make my way to Echuca to board a houseboat up the Murray River.  

This was one of Chris' Bucket List items so I was very pleased to be able to do it for him. As I said last week, these legs may not be the prettiest little legs you have seen, but they got me up that gangplank and onto the houseboat just fine. It was beautiful.

I am grateful that I have the freedom to travel where I want without censure or fear of retribution just because of who I am or what I believe in. 

I am grateful that I can drive - that affords me such a freedom that I am so thankful for.  I can stop whenever I want to and jump out to take a photo....like this just for the thrill of it all

On the roadside at Minyip

I am grateful for the kindness and consideration of others - fellow travellers, incidental folk met in cafes, service providers. A cup of tea, a hand with luggage or just a smile - they make the experience special. Being a solo traveller these little acts of kindness make me feel not so alone. 

I am grateful for the chance to see the artwork of the Silos Art Trail.  They are magnificent, awesome and thought provoking.  Started in 2016 and growing in popularity, these fine examples of Australian artwork invoke a feeling of belonging, not only for the population of these small dots of towns in western Victoria but also the passing traveller, who is reminded again of the importance of belonging.  It matters not how many people you belong to, it matters that the attachment is strong and unconditional.

The silos at Sheep Hills - stunning!

The majestic silos of Brim - the first ones completed in 2016

I was only able to get this photo of the old port at Echuca due to anothers thoughtfulness.  I felt very lucky.

I am grateful for the opportunity, the friendship that instigated this trip and the small things like beautiful weather while we were on the houseboat. 

It is said over and over again but with each year, it resonates more with me ~ It is the little things in life that really count.

And I'm Off

Travel opens your mind while it is spreading your wings

Today I begin another adventure in this my very own Gap Year!

Who knows what is ahead and so it really does pay to grab the opportunites while they are still within grasping distance.  Chris' favourite saying, well one of many really, was "Just Do it" and I think he coined that before so Nike so no royalities grab please.

Just make the booking, just help them out, Lets just go!  So go I will.  

I am doing something that I have not done before - going on the Bass Strait ferry by myself and taking my car.  The freedom of having my trusty, red car will be fabulous.  Want to stop and take a photo of that tree...dont mind if I do! Want to pull over and change the CD, good idea :) Want to leave at the crack of dawn and beat the rush, fantastic.  Not waiting around for another 34 people to get their shit together, just me and myself. 

Minus the Snow...well maybe not in the high country

The main reason for going is to celebrate my beautiful friend Kerry's birthday and to do that we are hiring a houseboat and traversing up the Murray River.  I dont think Kerry knew but this was on Chris' Bucket List so how very fitting.  Chris will be with us in spirit, I know. 

So that's an exciting way to say "Hello 50, here I am." 

After the Murray River houseboat, I am leaving the rest of the party and heading off on my own.

This has been something that I have been wanting to do for about three years ~ Flex my Independence Muscle and have a Road Trip on my own.  I think it will give me back some of the confidence I lost four and a half years ago plus I am feeling stronger and more capable, so now is the prefect time to go. 

My first journey will be travelling west to check out the painted Silos of the Grampian region.  I have a list; I have mapped out my route and I have sought accommodation that will put me right in the heart of the attractions I am visiting.

I am a planner, a lover of lists, a reseracher. Part of the enjoyment for me is the planning and list making.  I like to have paper copies of things; I am not solely reliant on technology to get me there in a timely, tidy manner.  I have a map, a copy of my Air BnB bookings and a diary with places that I want to see.

I know it might seem to you to be a bit anal but this is where Julia Roberts and I  part ways at the fork in the road.  I am not a "Fly By the Seat of My Pants" type gal - well not when it comes to travel anyway.

 

I do love being an organised person.  It gives me comfort and if by chance something goes awry...and it will...then I can handle that too. 

A little sojourn in the Daylesford/Hepburn Springs neck of the woods follows and then down to Teesdale to see my lovely friend from my school days in Wynyard. 

After some rest and recuperation at Chateau Hatcher, I am heading north to Canberra to indulge in my favourite joint apppointment - Mum and Momo.  So I am going to cover some miles and see some sights; meet some new folk and embrace some loved ones that I have not seen for a while.  It should be great fun.

In the words of Vicki the Fabulous  ~ ROCK ON!!

Betty had to stand in for Vick 

A Momentus Birthday

My Cup Runneth Over 

I think I have said before about a song my Mother used to sing all the time when I was a little girl.  It was sung by the man who played Gomer Pyle ~ Jim Nabors.  He had the most melodic voice and so strong. And boy could he hold a note!  That song not only reminds me of my darling Mum but also gives me a nudge to recall how full my cup is of Love.

Look at that cheeky lop sided grin

Mum used to hum this song and sing it when she was wandering about the house doing Mum things.  I loved it and it obviously had a  huge affect on my small self because I still sing it, I used to sing it to Chris and I say it all the time - my cup aint half full, it aint half empty ~ it is brimmming over the top.  Clearly it has become a mantra for me because this was a birthday gift from my sister...

This year  my birthday was an extra special occassion for a couple of reasons:

•                 my first as an unemployed person for about 40 years
•                 Christine, Peter and Alan were here to share it with me
•              I officially began life as a SFR (self funded retiree)
•              my fifth as a widow

And in keeping with the theme of Blessings, this year I felt much more content with notching up another year on my own.  I was thinking about past years this morning and recalling cringe worthy moments.  You know those times when you REALLY wish you could turn back the clock and not say that thing, not push that button, just let the sleeping dog snooze on.  But because we are humans ergo not perfect, there is always something we could have done better.

With the addition of years comes the substraction of giving away those precious fucks.  I am finally, finally, realising that I dont have to give my all to people who dont give me anything; I dont have to look like Meg Ryan just because we are the same age ~ (I am more your Susan Boyle type lady ) and I only have to live up to my expectations and trust me, they are tough enough.

 My legs may not be long, slim and tidy but the places these short, fat legs have taken me have been amazing.

These little legs have climbed up the Great Wall, wandered around Pompeii, walked for miles around fascinating places,  skipped down the Champs Elysees (well skipping is a stretch), waltzed around the dance floor and held me up when I thought I could only crawl. 

These arms with generous fadoobidas have held my Love, cradled precious babies, soothed my darlings, greeted loved ones with big squishy hugs, swum in the Mediterranean; cleaned, cooked, washed, typed, gardened, dug, sewed and knitted and still worked just fine regardless of what they look like. 

For too many years, I have believed the stuff that other people projected about me about not being good enough or was that just my own self projecting what I thought they thought.... I dont know and that's  a bit hard to tease out this morning.  Time is short, lots to do. 

Anyway...this year its about being thankful for what I have.  I am so lucky to have the beautiful family I have, lovely dear friends who do actually care about me, a dear little house, good health, freedom to do what I like, freedom to go where I want to go and a sense of contentment that reminds me life is amazing and it is all about the small stuff.  

2016 - Looking Back with Joy

Travel, More Loss and a baby!

So after the huge year that was 2014, a year of re-adjustment and re-consideration of how to be in 2015, I thought 2016 was going to be easier! Huh - what is easier?? Is there any such thing as easy or is there just something that is our life. 

It can be hard no doubt at all but is it ever easy or just more enjoyable than the hard times?

My take is that life is not easy, not meant to be easy because that infers that we are not trying,  just cruising through it. Each day we should try to be our best, do our best, to get the best out of each day and if that looks like less than yesterdays best, well the main thing is to enjoy it for what it is. Some days it might look like mine - still in PJs at 2 p.m. Huh! what do I care, I'm still having a great day. 

It is a definite choice in life to search out the Happy, "Find the Treasure every day, Kathy" darling Louise used to tell me. And it is there even if it is just a divine cup of tea; made just right, drunk at just the right temperature and savoured from a lovely cup.

And to say that life is easy kind of diminishes the potency of life. 
To say one had an easy life takes the power out of every other life that may or may not draw from the same kind of status, monetary comfort or physical robustness. Is Miranda Kerr, in all of her seemingly ease of life, any happier than you, me or Meghan Markle?  Even MM has her troubles 
#awkwardfather

Life can and is at times so wonderful though you think "What have I ever done to deserve this kind of happiness?"  I have certainly had those times, yes when Chris was alive and we were so in love with each other and happy, but I can tell you that I have also had them since. Something that I thought would never be possible again but it is,it can be ~ it's just different.

2016 brought another beautiful time into my life - the time I became a Momo again to another gorgeous male child.

The joy in holding that dear little baby was beyond...beyond happiness.  How can such a tiny little scrap make your heart burst?  I dont know.

Morrison Christopher was born in January, kicking the year off to a fabulous start. Morrison was such a blessing not only for his fother and Father but also to so many relatives and friends. We had been waiting, hoping, praying that he would finally make into the world and when he did it was joyous.

Three Gorgeous little cousins enjoying morning tea

I travelled again in 2016 and while at times this was challenging for a myriad of reasons, I did experience great joy and happiness on those travels. 

One instance was when I returned to the hotel at Marble Arch in London where Chris I stayed in Oct 2013.  When we were there the city experienced a severe cold snap so we bought Chris a big, warm coat with a furry hood.

As we packed to return to Australia, I wondered what we might do with the coat (too big to fit in our cases).  Chris thought he might offer it to the beautiful doorman Michael, who had always been ready with a cheery smile, a "Good Morning" and a bit of a yarn before we set out for the day's adventure. 

I wonder if you can imagine my joy, when I returned over two years later and Michael was still there. He remembered Chris, still had the coat, still wore the coat and was genuinely sad when I told him my Darling was no longer by my side. 

The joy came as I thought, even though he is gone from me, his kindness and love for others lives on.  In that coat, in his legacy to look after his family and in his beautiful way of living for others. See, what did I do to deserve that man? 

2016 also brought more loss. The passing of my dear Dad. That in itself deserves it's own story but the essence of this one is to say that no matter what it looks like, Life can be joyous even when it is not easy.  The past four and half years have not been easy at all but by gosh they have also been full of love, comfort, friendship, beautiful family times and joy. 

Back to Happy

 Where have I been?  What have I seen?  Who have I met? Who have I lost?

Three years since I have sat at this seat in front of the laptop and typed on this platform.  To say that life got in that way is the biggest understatement and I wont try to fill you in with all that has surpassed but needless to say I have been busy! 

Returning from the South Pacific, docking at dawn in Sydney

The most intriguing, surprising and challenging occurrance was my retirement from fulltime paid employment in Deccember 2017.  I had thought I would retire at 60 and be very happy with that but a series of chance remarks, meetings and interventions  gave me the option to retire at 56. 

Next week sees a momentus time in my life...I turn 57! Why momentus - because I can access my superannuation thereby giving me a new source of income.  Sleepless nights, nervous tummies, hand wringing and more conversations than my friends and families  deserve have finally brought me to this position. How blessed am I ~ I know that Lady Luck, God in all his wisdom and fate have all been kind.

Travel, spending precious time with my grandsons, who are adorable, and learning how to be a single retired lady are high on the agenda for the next few months.  Hopefully over the next few weeks I will be able to share with you some of my next advernture:  Next week I am putting my car on the Bass Strait ferry and travelling around Victoria before I head up to Canberra to see my daughter and grandson (SIL will be on training in QLD).
                                              
                                              Oh The Places I Will Go !

Cruising the Pacific - warm swims in beautiful oceans

Life still puzzles me, enthralls me and brings me to my knees - with wonder, amazement and despair.  I am still learning how to be a sucessful widow, a dedicated Mum and Momo, a good friend and a supportive sister.  It is an ongoing work, artform, dedication that I hope will last me to my last black of Lindt chocolate.  So many adventures to go, I hope that I can document them and you can come along with me through the words and pictures. 

Flowers from a friend - the best kind

A Long Time Coming

It has been so long since I wrote on here that I have nearly forgotten how.
So much has happened already this year.  2015 has been very busy.

In February, my sister and I went to Hawaii, that was beautiful.  We had a great time, swimming in the sea, shopping, swimming.  Coming home was horrible because I knew that Chris would not be waiting for me with open arms. I wont ever get used to that. 

When I got home, I found a house that I thought I would like to live in.
I have been mulling over the probabilities of moving one day.  The house that Chris and I lived in for nearly 10 years was too big and too much maintenance for me plus we have stairs.  Stairs and fibromyalgia just don't mix. Funny that!

I had some tenants in the new house for a few months before they changed their minds about living in Tassie and went back to WA. So that pushed all my well laid plans up a few months. 
My house had to go on the market and lots of planning, lists and sorting had to be done....again! Didn't I just do all this 18 months ago?  Oh well, onwards we head. I'm sure it will all work out in the end because I truly believe this is the best thing for me. 

The second year of widowhood is something that I cannot even find the words to describe. If the first year is fast and furious with grief and shock  then the second year is slow and crippling with the realisation that this is it.  This is my life now and I don't really go much for it. 

Every day I still want Chris back and every day the realisation that that will never happen seeps a little more into my soul. 

There is no quick fix and there is no salve for the hurt and the yearning just to see him and hold him again.  I still wonder what, how, when this new life, that I never asked for, will become more bearable. Little by little, I guess.

It has not been all doom and gloom though.  There are definitely joys along the way. Emily and Farooq's baby boy is doing beautifully and growing more gorgeous every day. I know all grandmothers think that, but truly, he is the Worlds Most Beautiful Baby. I have been up to see them and will go again before Christmas.

And we have another BB coming to join our family early in 2016 - so blessed

My brother moved back to Tassie, which was lovely to have him here close by; my son moved into his own home and he is still close by; one step son moved back North of the State and the other moved to Queensland;  poor old Dad took sick with pneumonia and is becoming an old man in front of our eyes but he still is the centre of the family and has been such a wonderful support to me;  my sister had a health crisis and my other sisters daughter had a health crisis; our little dog went to join all those loved pets in Heaven.  

A mixed bag really - but that is the case with us all, isn't it?

And friends - friends both in person and on line have been fantastic.  I could not cope without them.